Sunday, 15 November 2009
thank god for wireless internet (:so this weekend has been absolutely magical-NOT.
spent all of friday afternoon shopping with the rest for prom dresses that we never found.
spent friday evening under the rain at helipad chugging drinks we could have been sipping instead, if not for the damn rain.
off again on again fighting with slides that lasted a good 2-3 hours-boys can be SOO annoying.
then i spent a good 35 minutes waiting for a stupid cab.
of course saturday was even more perfect than friday.
had to cancel the awesome shopping trip with debs thanks to annoying people coming over.
and now im here, stuck in a stupid hospital with nothing to do.
ok well not nothing, theres always facebook and catching up on the millions of movies ive missed over the last two, three months.
the exams arent entirely over but with only french left, i feel like im pretty much done.
now its all about the party planning and the dress shopping and the drinking.
if only bad things would stop happening so i can get on with the good stuff :(
it just feels like an extended friday the thirteenth.
bad luck be gone!
it feels so good to be able to rant again :D :D
03:12.
Friday, 30 October 2009
long distance relationships leave you too comfortable.
you get used to a certain way of doing things.
you speak at certain times, you text, you email, you skype, you write letters but thats it.
and when you meet, be it for two weeks, four months or a couple of days on a stopover visit, you make the absolute most of it. the fights are kept to a minimum and somehow you cant seem to get enough of the other person.
every last moment is pure magic and you remember every last detail as if its the only thing that has ever mattered.
its different when you're both on the same freaking island though.
finding time to meet during exams is hard.
entertaining calls is annoying,
the texts goodnight and the calls to say 'good morning' are a little too much to handle.
three fights in three nights.
ignoring people.
arguing.
saying yes to things in the 'moment.' regretting them later.
trying my best to do something that will annoy YOU enough to break up with ME because i cant seem to be able to do it.
its insanely annoying.
this isnt me.
we were better off as friends.
and im certain its not really you, i just miss the one before you.
to be honest, you dont measure up.
you're funny and nice and sweet but you fall short.
there is no way you could ever be like him
and i know its unfair to keep comparing you
but three months isnt remotely enough time to get over a million year long relationship.
then again, maybe we're going through a rough patch?
ARGHHHHHHHHHH exam season is SO NOT THE TIME to be thinking about such stupid things. on a side note, im so sick of studying that im beginning to think dismembering myself is a whole lot more fun.
the IB sucks. big time.
00:15.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
ive been sitting here at starbucks since 2pm this afternoon.
in the last six hours ive barely moved.
in fact, almost everyday for the past two weeks ive been here.
some days we get started at 11 other days much later.
basically we've all spent more time at this starbucks than we have at home.
one more week to the MOST life defining exams ill ever have to sit for.
im petrified and thats putting it mildly.
in fact, there isnt a word to describe the type of fear im feeling.
i can hardly wait for it all to be over though.
life is going to be magically lazy and fun in the months following the IB.
for now though, i ought to get back to my dreaded math :(
when we've come to an outcome thats too horrible to face,
thats when we ask for a second opinion.
sometimes the answer we get just confirms our worst fears
but sometimes it can shed new light on the problem,
make you see it in a whole new way.
after all the opinions have been heard
and every point of view has been considered
you finally find what youre after,
the truth.
but the truth isnt where it ends.
thats just where you begin again.
with a whole new set of questions.
20:06.
Thursday, 22 October 2009
so you write it and then you rewrite it.you perfect each sentence as if the tiniest error could result in tragedy.
you take great care in picking the paper you write on.
the pen you use has to be of a certain colour. an exact shade.
when you're done with your seventh draft you decide to rewrite it once more.
just to be sure.
when you're done and you've read it at least fifteen times over,
you finally feel like you're ready.
so you place it in the most perfect envelope you can find.
paste the prettiest stamp on the top corner.
seal the envelope.
walk to the mailbox.
right before you shove it in, you rip up the letter to shreds.
you make sure its cut up so small it can no longer be pieced together.
at the end of the day it wont matter if the letter is read or not.
words that could move mountains will merely float through you.
sentences that took hours to construct will leave you unfazed.
it is indeed better this way.
you, blissfully unaware.
and me, determined to not care.
I write the love letters you never got,
the ones you never sent.
And I'll throw these words out there like confetti.
00:02.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
the words, they feel foreign.
they roll off my tongue and they barely make sense.
they dont hold any meaning.
just two meaningless words that seem to have a more significant meaning when put together.
im not sure why im so detached from the situation but i am.
i cant help it.
exclusivity is a big word isnt it?
i think the only reason i feel this way is because im scared.
this phobia isnt something i created for myself though,
i think you left shoes that are far too big to fill.
im not sure anyone can come close.
how can anyone ever understand me as well?
how can anyone know me so through and through?
how can anyone know exactly what i want without me even uttering a word?
how can anyone be you?
its been long enough and im a fool for being stuck in this position.
i deserve to move on and i have.
yet somewhere deep inside i dont think im ready.
maybe i want to spend the rest of the next year curled up in bed crying
but life is pulling me in another direction.
decisions were made for me that i cannot undo.
im not ready for this and i dont think ill ever be.
im not being melodramatic
its just that this jumble of feelings is getting really old really fast.
i hate you for making me feel like this.
then again hate isnt the opposite of love, indifference is.
a little taste of indifference towards you would be like a drop of heaven right now.
Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink
high school ended today.
im not ready to move on.
02:17.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
no one told me when my grandfather died.
for two weeks everyone lied to my face in an attempt to 'protect' me.
for two weeks every time i asked how he was doing all anyone would tell me was that i shouldnt worry and that his bypass surgery had gone perfectly according to plan.
sure if the plan was to kill him.
tonight i saw a picture of him.
a picture ive kept hidden in between yellowing pages from a dairy i wrote in when i was fourteen.
suddenly everything came back to me.
i felt a surge of extremely weird emotions rush through me.
emotions i had no idea i was suppressing.
i miss him.
even today as i sit here writing this post, almost eight years after he died, i still miss him.
i never got to spend as much time as i wanted to with him but nonetheless he was my most favourite grandparent. he would do the most insanely funny things.
as a kid my most favourite thing to do was to go to his supermarket.
while everyone else had to get in queue to pay for their purchases, i would stroll up and down and pick up whatever i so pleased and no one could say anything because my grandfather owned the place (:
as a seven year old, he would take me on these massive long walks where we would continue for over two hours each time and despite my whines and complaints he would continue walking, distracting me with the magical scenery and interesting stories instead.
we took long walks every time we were together until of course his illness made it a chore to have any form of 'strenuous' activity. after that, all he did was make me 'watches' and do funny things with his dentures.
he had the most distinct laugh.
every time he smiled, he smiled with his eyes.
as with every thing else that is short lived, our days together were never that long and every time we were leaving to come back to singapore, he would always be one of the first few people to tear up at the airport.
i miss him incredibly.
his warm hugs, his crazy jokes.
everything.
tonight i miss him more than i have in a long long while.
so love, i hope you feel better.
i too know what its like to lose an awesome grandfather.
im familiar with the pain and the anger and denial.
i know all this is happening at a very bad time but try to cope?
try to take things a day at a time.
give yourself some time to grieve then try to be okay?
take care of yourself.
stay strong :D
love you.
05:08.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
they say we always have a choice.we are made to believe that everything that happens is a result of our choices.
every wrong, every right,
its a direct consequence of a decision we make for ourselves.
but is that really true?
do we really control everything?
id much rather think you didnt have a choice.
because its in thinking that way that i can sleep a little easier at night.
its by making myself believe that the things you said or did were not with the sole intention to hurt me that i can still look you in the eye.
its thinking that you were just as much a victim in this as i am that makes it that much easier for me to hold a proper conversation with you.
its in thinking that you're not truly a huge jerk, that we can still be friends.
but as much as i want to give you the benefit of the doubt,
as much as i try to convince myself that this is how things were meant to play out
i know its not true.
so screw you.
close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord
are we human or are we dancers
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and Im on my knees looking for the answer
21:54.
ive been sitting here at starbucks since 2pm this afternoon.
the words, they feel foreign.
