of stories untold.

2012-01-24T00:59:00.002+08:00

in a world where nothing matters.

where nothing is constant.

where everyday its a fight to the finish.

where the nicest people rear their ugly sides and cant wait to snap you like a twig.

where 'friends' mean a little more than random person on the street.

where time and distance pull us so far apart from the people we love.

where most times you cant count on anything or anyone but yourself.

where what is could turn into what was in a matter of seconds.

where nothing and no one stays true to themselves.

where the tides and times change faster than you can blink your eyes.

in a world where sometimes you feel so lonely even the crying doesnt help...

i have you.

even if i dont have you i have thoughts of you.

i have memories of laughter and tears and the good and bad.

when nothing else makes sense, i remember you and everything feels right again.

i remember the sound of your voice, the intensity of your looks, the feel of your arms and somehow im better.

i may or may not actually have you.

you may or may not actually be mine to have.

but ive got memories of you and what we shared.

and because of that, ill be okay.

if just for one more day, if just for one more moment.

ill be okay.

2011-12-10T15:22:00.002+08:00

i cry at the smallest things nowadays.

im constantly missing someone.

im almost always at loggerheads with myself for making the decision to move so far away from home and i live in constant fear the this path ive picked is only ever going to take me further but never closer to home.

i remember a conversation i had with my dad, on one of the last few nights of this trip here to visit me...

he asked if i was afraid.

and as i tried my hardest to swallow my tears i said 'yes, im constantly afraid'

and as he tried to probe and push to get me to tell him what im afraid of, all i said was 'everything, every single thing you can think of'

when instead of should have said what i was thinking which was something like:

im afraid of missing all the small moments that mean the most while im living overseas.

im afraid of the people i love the most forgetting me.

im afraid of losing either one of my parents to old age or god forbid something else (i know its too early to think this but really im petrified)

im afraid i wont be the good doctor im supposed to be.

im afraid i wont diagnose a patient right or worse yet, that ill attempt to solve one oral problem and in the process create many others.

im afraid i wont ultimately settle where i want more than anywhere else to settle.

im afraid of failure.

im afraid of getting any older than i am right now.

im afraid ill grow old alone.

im afraid that everyone around me will have settled into life and loving and ill still be wandering around aimless.

im afraid people wont like me.

im afraid i wont fit in.

(back when he asked the question) i was afraid december 1st would come by and id be alone and that things wouldnt have worked out the way the should have between slidey and i.

i have so many many fears, many insignificant but petrifying nonetheless.

and he told me theres no reason to be afraid..

as long as i keep the faith and i believe, theres really no reason at all to be afraid.

and thats what ive been doing since.

keeping the faith.

im still terrified as hell but soon as i remember theres something bigger than me and you, bigger than any of us... as long as i keep the faith and i believe, everything truly does happen for a reason and whether or not i understand that reason, its exactly what will get me through life.

so now, as i sit here panicking about my new fear that i wont be able to head home for the christmas vacation, im at peace with the fact that everything happens for a reason. that regardless of whether or not i go home for the holidays, theres a reason why.

its a pretty awesome way to live really, i have faith that everything happens for a reason and if nothing else, it helps me breathe a little easier at night. every single time, really it helps.

2011-09-25T20:18:00.002+08:00

the ex boyfriend got together with a new girl.

the ex boyfriend was exactly an 'ex' yet when this happened.

i was entertaining calls from him to tell me he loves me and wants things to work out when i found out hes with a new girl.

i dont like the way she looks, shes a bottle blonde older chick who looks like she'll hurt him. or maybe she wont. not like it should matter, i hurt him more than enough.

im upset.

maybe its because i 'lost out' or maybe its because we always want what we cant have or maybe im just jealous because he seemed happy.

i dont know.

the bestfriend spent close to 12 hours bbming me and it made me feel better.

i went to sleep thinking it doesnt matter especially since id put pen to paper and i felt a whole lot better after having wrote down my inner most thoughts. but somehow i think while ripping up the paper to shreds, i shredded my last ounces of rationality and logic apart as well because i woke up this morning and the first thought i had was of him.

its not that i love him or anything and its not like i feel he cheated on me... i dont know, im just upset. i cant explain it really.

so right before we hit the 2 year mark, it ended.

ive moved on a few times in between and ive had my fair share of half assed relationships but none that were actually worth calling relationships.

guess im upset that he found someone so fast.

and more than anything else im upset because i feel like ive been lied to.

you cant love someone with all you heart and get together with another girl almost immediately.

facebook is like my personal telegram messenger because he didnt even have the guts to tell me himself.

my highschool prom date, the guy i was off again on again with for 2 years, the guy i hurt who also hurt me back on various occasions is now finally a memory. its over and hes moved on.

thats that.

how long before i stop feeling sad? :(

2011-09-17T00:39:00.002+08:00

im fucking sick of this shit.

of always not feeling good enough.

of always being measured up against this high ass bar that im never gonna fucking reach anyway, no matter how freaking high i jump.

im sick of having to apologize for the things i dont say and im sick of having to repeatedly apologize for the things i do say-whether i mean them or not, whether its nice or not, whether its politically correct or not.

im fucking sick of not being comfortable enough to speak my mind to the people im close to and having to watch what i say in front of strangers or people that are mere aquaintances.

im sick of being compared to other people's kids.

i hate the fact that im not good enough.

ill never me good enough.

its just the way it was meant to be i guess.

it has always been this way and it will always stay the same.

i will never be good enough.

im trying to come to terms with it, you should too.

im below average and i dont measure up.

im not someone you want to brag about.

im not someone you would ever EVER be proud of so lets just leave it at that.

im tired of trying.

maybe i havent even tried enough but whatever it is, im tired of it. seriously.

exhausted as hell.

the tears are beginning to annoy me and this hollow space in my heart where i used to house my dreams and hopes is now very much commonplace.

you bled me dry.

leave me to wallow by my miserable lonesome self.

we werent all made to be the shining stars we're expected to be.

fucking sub standard. deal with it. i know im trying to.

2011-09-07T23:46:00.002+08:00

its an identity crisis of sorts.

im reeling from all the comments being shot at me.

this nausea ive been feeling for a while now doesnt seem like its going anywhere.

everyone i speak to in an attempt to slightly make me feel better, leaves me sinking slightly deeper into this depressive state. i want nothing more than to spend hours on end at home, alone. i crave being alone more than anything else nowadays but being alone and lonely are two entirely different things and i fear i may be crossing the thin line into loneliness.

i miss home but at the same time i keep reminding myself that this too is now home. that for the next 3 years more or less, this is a pretty permanent situation im in and to survive it i need to get comfortable and fast.

homesickness doesnt work for me.

i havent seen my mother in over 3 months and i miss her more than i know how to say.

i havent seen my sis in equally long and i miss her about as much as i would miss my arm if it werent there.

i need to be home.

things have been a little insane this last while.

ive become a monster.

i hate my attitude and this person ive become is the hardly who i thought i would be when i turned 21.

it seems ever since that dreaded birthday, ive become more immature and annoying than having blossomed into this proper adult who is responsible for her every action.

i make mistakes i didnt think i was capable of. i say things i dont mean and i act in a very unbecoming fashion.

my bestfriend says a few days back home will set me back on the right track and that things will start making sense again.

i hope to god he is right because i hate me so much right now its not funny.

also, this self hate could be potentially very self destructive id imagine.

i need help.

2011-09-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

“Standing alone in front of an ice cream cart on a hot, humid summer day, she thought of the love other people so tragically took for granted, and she wondered if, like her, other people also made bargains with God, grand promises of selflessness and devotion if only He would give them someone to love; she wondered at what point these promises were forgotten, and what the punishment was—she’d like to think there were consequences, because life is always fair in the end, but perhaps there were none and perhaps it isn’t.”

2011-09-06T23:48:00.004+08:00

the tears feel heavy falling from my eyes.

ive lost the sense of peace and comfort i had.

the tiniest things make me feel like bursting into tears or crumpling into a heap on the floor screaming bloody murder for the things ive lost, for the things i let be taken away from me, for the things i so willingly walked away from.

old texts remind me of my stupidy of a game i played so terribly even though the hand i was dealt wasnt half bad. old memories remind me of my temporary insanity which maybe wasnt so temporary after all. theres a tornado of emotions brewing in me and each day i feel it spinning a little more wildly. i fear the day it finally decides to unleash its ugly self.

daily actions make me miss the person i used to be. mean things i say remind me of the innocence i had before this foul cynicism and creepy doubt set in.

i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs from the darkest depths of my soul just so maybe someone will take notice and help me help myself. then again, i think i am screaming but its either everyone has ear plugs on or that we've all become so good at smiling and making like everything is fine and dandy even when it isnt.

where did i go wrong.

how did i let myself get sucked so deep into this crazy black hole.

i promise ill be nice, just someone please throw me a rope. please?

2011-09-06T01:16:00.006+08:00

im proud to say, i got you.

but maybe sometimes i need you too.

im beginning to think its time to stop being there. theres only so much someone can do. theres only so much support i can provide you with. there are only so many nice things i can say.

its been years, many many many years.

sometimes i wish you were there for me 5% as much as im there for you.

just 5% in exchange for the if not 100% but at least 60% i give you.

i miss you and im sad and this last month is taking forever to end.

change is the only constant?

damnit im sick of this.

or maybe im just fucking ungrateful i cant decide.

but damnit i need things to go the way i want them to, exactly as i want them to if only for a while. just for a little while. ill deal with the consequences when its all over.

2011-08-28T21:42:00.002+08:00

i used to be able to write.

i could set random words next to each other and they would suddenly transform into an entire meaning that would hold so much emotion and make more sense than you would think possible.

i used to be able to lift entire weights off my shoulders by this simple stringing together of words.

i used to sit hours on end with nothing but a pen and paper (computer screen and keyboard at times) and i would cry while i wrote, write while i cried and it would make me feel so much better.

im not that person anymore.

ive lost more of me in the last year than id willingly admit.

ive become a hideous person who is mostly selfish and rude. i speak before listening and judge before knowing. i act before observing. i guess in general, ive become a monster.

i had things that held me back before but now my inadequacies as piling high and they dont seem to be going anywhere.

most nights i go to bed reminding myself to act more human the following morning but needless to say, that never happens.

i would say i need a change of place or change or friends or change of environment, anything really... but what i really truly need, is a change of personality. to snap out of this disgusting person whose body i seem to be occupying so i can go back to being me.

the same me that was overly friendly, excessively nice and trusted just about anyone.

i miss the me that i was stupid and blind and had faith in everyone and everything.

i miss being naive and i miss being innocent.

i miss the person i used to be before living alone in a whole new country changed me :(

2011-08-21T00:41:00.002+08:00

Reasons Why I Cannot Love You

KAT GEORGE

Don’t get me wrong—I think you’re great. I like to eat dinner across from you, quickly glancing down at the fork idly fondling my food when you catch my eye. I like the coy smiles that pass between us, and the way that once we’re both drunk you become brave enough to hold my hand, and I become excited enough to hold it back. I like it when my phone vibrates in the night and it’s you saying something completely irrelevant, just so you could text me. I like that you like me; I like what we have.

But I can’t love you. I can’t love you because I couldn’t love the one before you, and I wont be able to love the one after you. It’s not because you’re not wonderful, or because you don’t deserve to be loved. It’s because you’ve melted into those other ones—you’re all the same. None of the dinners, the lazy days spent in bed cradling each other’s naked bodies, the little things you whisper to me, none of it is new. I’ve heard and done these things before, the motions are repetitive, and my responses are habitual. I can’t love you because we don’t have that special… thing… that makes every one of these practiced encounters seem brand new.

I can’t love you because I’m measuring you against a yard-stick from long ago, and you keep falling short. Every movement you make, every tiny word you utter, I pick up and hold towards the sun to see if you’ll turn transparent and I’ll see him inside your skin. When he’s not there—and he never is—I know I’ll never be able to love you. I haven’t and I can’t move on; it’s not your fault. I know I’m being entirely ridiculous, but when he haunts my sleep and I awaken in the morning only to see your resting eyes andyour mouth agape on the pillow next to me, I feel disappointed, and I hate that I feel that way. I can’t love you because I’m entangled in the past, and I’m still not ready for the future.

I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop fucking doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me, you don’t even want to see me, for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person.

I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time; I barely have time to see my friends, the people I know I’ll be 80 with, if we all (God/ universe/ Mother Nature willing) make it that far. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you, and I didn’t realize my mental process was making these ludicrous deductions until a friend casually pointed out that I was a New Yorker now, and that New York was what was ‘happening’ to me. And here I was thinking I was just holding out for Mr. Right. I can’t love you because logically or illogically, my brain doesn’t compute having you any higher on my list of priorities.

I can’t love you because I’m happy on my own. It’s been almost a year now, and I’ve healed from the destructive force of a previous relationship. I’ve learned how to enjoy my own company and laugh at my own jokes. I can’t love you because if I do you’ll be in my bed with me at night, or worse, I’ll be at yours without my things around me. I wont be able to sleep spread-eagled, to eat crispy fried bacon in my underpants, to make plans to go out whenever I want, or to make plans to stay in whenever I want. I can’t love you because, right now, I’m enjoying my ‘me’ time far too much—I’m like a pig in shit. I can’t love you because for the first time in my life, I’m being selfish.

I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be. I can’t love you because I don’t want to, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.

2011-08-19T23:03:00.001+08:00

ON READING OLD LETTERS

CHELSEA FAGAN

It’s funny how sentiments can change. In just a few short months, you can go from loving someone with the burning fire of a thousand suns to seeing them at a party and thinking, “Yeesh, I don’t remember having a long-term relationship with a toothless carnie.” It’s unsettling, and can make us feel as though the time that we did spend lying in bed holding hands or swigging whiskey out of the bottle on a rooftop was, if not wasted, severely misguided. Time passes and can turn even the most beautiful memories sour.

And sure, it works the other way, too. But nostalgia is easy to indulge. We look at photos of ourselves from times that our chest hurts from wanting to go back to, we linger over text messages that we’ve saved for as long as we’ve had our phone. The times that were good, the times that only get warmer in our memory–those we keep around us. In shoe boxes under our beds and in secret folders on our computer, we keep the parts of us that only look better the farther behind us they get.

But those moments that turn bitter, whether from a breakup that leaves us with an aching stomach or a friendship that petered out pathetically, we tend to scoot under the rug as quickly as we can. There is a desire, perhaps even a need, to get rid of all evidence that we were ever stupid enough to indulge the kind of emotions that would leave us bitter and depressed. We may have played the fool once, but never again. Our precious space will be taken up with photos of summer camp and summer flings that ended too soon.

Reading the old letters, the old texts, the old emails–even looking at the old pictures and video clips–seems an exercise in torture. There is a turning of the stomach and a clenching of the heart, looking at words you once meant so much your whole body seemed to shake.

“I love you so much; I don’t know what I did before I met you–but it couldn’t have been very interesting.”

“I’m so lucky to have such a good best friend. I hope you’re having so much fun out there, CALL ME I MISS YOU”

I meant those things when I wrote them, but I don’t talk to either of those people anymore. And whether our reasons for not speaking were explosive or quietly cancerous, it doesn’t matter anymore. We are no longer a part of each others’ lives, and the exchanges we were savvy enough to hold in writing are all that either of us have left of the things we really felt, word for word.

And to be honest, reading words like these was hard–especially in letters where the jokes and the warm exchanges were as fast and free as they can only come between two people who really love each other. It was something of an archaeological dig into a part of my life I’ve tried to bury for a long time now. Here it is–you cannot deny it, you were happy. I actually found it physically hard to keep reading some of the passages, it was unnerving to have to acknowledge how much my sentiments have truly changed. Wanting to think you’re right extends to every part of your life, even wanting to be right over your former self. But just because we’ve learned better doesn’t mean that we weren’t once foolish.

And that’s okay. In fact, perhaps the most essential of all letters to read are the ones with those whom we no longer feel good about. Aside from being glaring, necessary examples of our own fallibility, they are reminders that no matter how sure we feel about something in the moment–it could all be gone tomorrow. The me that wrote those letters had no clue who would cheat or who would move away and stop calling, but the me now can learn to appreciate what I have all the more for its fleeting nature. And beyond that, I want to be able to look at anyone–regardless of history–at a party and think, “Wasn’t that good while it lasted?”

2011-08-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

because at the end of the day you gotta count your blessing to keep you on track.

there are sooo many things i have going for me that i should be immensely thankful for its entirely stupid that instead i choose to focus on the bad and the negatives.

sure certain bad things happen every now and again but what happened to 'the rainbow after the rain' and all those other sayings?

besides, more often than not as much as it hurts at that particular moment it always dawns on me that i dodged a potentially fatal bullet.

so heres to attempting to be more optimistic and heres to being more thankful and heres to attempting to stay on track-the right one that is.

2011-08-05T01:00:00.002+08:00

its been a little over a month since i last wrote in and so much has happened im not entirely sure where to begin.

maybe its not so much the fact that i trust easy, maybe im just stupid.

i get fooled waaaay faster than youd think.

and with someone with soo much experience and life lessons under my belt-given my age-youd imagine id be more mature, smarter and that id make more calculated decisions.

with every day that passes i lose a little more of myself. some days i barely recognize myself in the mirror. its not so much physical changes as opposed to the insane personality and emotional changes. a year into this and i feel like ive grown year, no where else and in no other situation would i have learnt as much, been exposed to as much or understood as much about people and how they function.

over the span of 3 mere weeks, give or take a week i managed to get reeled into a weirdass situation by someone i thought was a friend.

you would imagine that my birthday, the day that marks me officially getting a year older, i would act with slightly more maturity than a 14 year old teen but thats where we were both wrong because it was on that same day that this spiral took a very downward direction.

i dont blame boys i mean really come on we all know they think with one head and thats definitely not the one thats sitting atop their shoulders. for someone who normally likes to be 3 steps ahead of a boy in an given situation, i found myself 330 steps behind with this one. weekend spent staying over, the texts, the jokes, the secret glances, the nights spent staying up talking, finally thinking there is someone here that understands more about me than i even thought possible... guess i should have known better than to think he was all serious when he said he liked me and that he wanted a relationship. pfft.

im not a wham bam thank you mam kinda girl and im glad i didnt let up simply because at the end of the day i would have wound up in the exact same position, that is: hurt, angry (wait no scratch that) pissed off insanely and well a bunch of other descriptive words that essential refer to hurt and betray and intense anger... save the difference then would have been i have the added bonus of being more pissed off at myself for being easy.

its funny really, the only thought that gets me by most days is 'uni is supposed to be 4 years of fun and parties and drinking and weekends that you dont remember and the ones you want badly to forget' if im not going to do things out of my comfort zone now, if i hadnt been screwed over now then when would it have happened? its definitely a better sooner than later situation.

boy am i glad you turned out as two faced a prick as you are.

guess this is just another chapter that goes under my already exploding series of 'bad experiences' book.

sigh. to be young a foolish is one thing, to be older and still make the same mistakes is a whole different pathetic ball game.

i know its all incoherent but i needed a little reminder for me.

a little physical evidence, up on the virtual world to remind to open my eyes a little wider and to see the world in shades of gray and with a whole lot of doubt as opposed to with blind faith.

whats it they same?

fool me once shame on me? fool me twice shame on you? WRONG!! i better not be fooled a second time, i dont have the fucking patience or emotional capacity for it, ill end up having to start an intense world war 3 with myself!!

2011-07-03T00:49:00.003+08:00

another shot before we kiss the other side.

dont stop believing.

never stop trying.

dont give in or give up.

its not about what you do, its about how you do it.

it was an insane week, the first of many id imagine. doesnt help that ive been down with a flu/fever for the past couple of days. this semester is more terrifying than i initially thought.

most days im paralyzed with fear. so much trepidation that it leaves me unable to do anything. breathing becomes hard, thinking and doing even harder.

im going to deal with actual patients soon, actual human beings, real people with real pains.

i hope to god im cut out for this because the more i think about it the less sense it makes that i chose to do this.

i didnt weigh out the pros and cons, i merely jumped in head first.

learning to administer injections today made me realize that if im going to do this and if im going to do this right, it needs my 110% not 100%. there is no way in hell im going to succeed unless i give it everything i have, and then some.

i hope it all works out.

i hope this fear fades and in years to come ill be able to laugh at myself for feeling this way.

fear means you have something to lose.

so to be afraid is good right?

if thats really how it works then im destined for greatness beyond measure because there is enough fear bubbling inside me that can only lead to greatness beyond limits.

2011-06-23T20:41:00.002+08:00

between the lines of fear and blame

you begin to wonder why you came.

its funny how extreme my emotions can be sometimes.

one moment im bursting at the seams with all the love in the world for you and the next i want nothing more than to tell you to leave me alone.

over the last couple of months ive come to realize-then again maybe ive known all along and ive simply been denying it-youre the one im with because im waiting for someone else.

its something you told me 3 years ago when we first started out and though it seemed stupid at the time, its seems to be making more sense lately.

if im being entirely honest, i dont love you-i never have.

i dont enjoy you weird childish antics on occasion-i laugh because i have to.

i dont want to be with you every minute of every day.

youre not my first thought when i wake up and definitely not the last thought when i sleep.

its quite pathetic really, but it is what it is.

i refuse to do anything about it because ive become far too comfortable with the 'flow' im going with. but while we're on the topic, if im being entirely honest...

i do like you, more than ill knowingly admit probably.

i just think that liking someone is not enough and the second all traces of the 'butterflies in my stomach' disappears, so will you.

because i refuse, completely, entirely, totally refuse to be in a relationship that doesnt excite me at least a little every now and again.

now that was a redundant post, wouldnt you say?

2011-06-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

it doesnt matter if you think no one is reading or if you think no one is listening or if you think no one is watching. none of it matter. at the end of the day all that matters is that you said what you had to say, you did what you had to do, you lived the way YOU wanted to.

im going to start blogging again just so ill stop feeling scared. just so ill stop feeling lonely (even though in reality i dont think im actually lonely). im going to start blogging again just so ill start feeling that odd sense of calm i get from publicly airing my dirty laundry on a blog that people dont read anyway.

im going to start writing again soon because it makes me happy.

2011-02-21T00:49:00.002+08:00

i miss how words used to be my solace.

in a world where everything around me changes with every tick of the clock, words were the only consistency i had. the ability to form a sentence that though not deep nor poetically structured, resonated deep within me and lifted the weights off my shoulders.

last weekend i packed my bag, got my passport, bought an online plane ticket and headed for the airport. making the decision to head home for the weekend was one of the smarter things ive done this year.

sure it was a sign of weakness-me not being able to make it through an entire month of being alone. and sure it lead to me breaking my one and most important new years resolution but for the first time in a while i did something solely for me.

im back in my foreign land in my apartment waiting for the next 31 days to pass at lightning speed so that i can go home for a two month stretch.

2 months where ill spend lazing and basking in the awesomeness that is home because really there is no where else like it. 2 months of bliss, serenity and comfort.

i need to start blogging more often because words are the only way i know how to release all my pent up emotional tension. that and talking to my bestfriend who is unfortunately millions of miles away right now :(

2011-02-07T23:52:00.002+08:00

i no longer blog because words stopped making sense a long time ago.

because my heartache was so terrible it became a chore and frankly it became embarrassing constantly ranting about it.

i stopped blogging because when i moved away from home i lost a huge piece of me that i still havent been able to find. in the hustle bustle of the move and the anxiety of fitting in and finding friends i forgot where i left the old sara.

along with that old sara i lost people who mattered to me incredibly.

along with the people i lost i was thrown right out of my comfort zone in a land so incredibly far away from everyone i love that on most nights breathing became hard to do.

i longed for the day where id be independent and living on my own but its not as glamorous or fun as its cracked up to be. fending for yourself it tough shit and everyday it gets tougher but it never gets easier.

id sign a freaking terrible deal with rumplestiltskin if it would mean that i could change things.

on top of everything else that ive lost and am still losing, i think losing you was one of the bigger mistakes i made. i let you go no thanks to one of my many fears.

theres no sense in thinking about it now but i cant help it.

ive stopped blogging because typing out my thoughts and feelings scares me.

no one person should not have so much hurt and betrayal and sadness.

on another note, no one person should have so many things going for her and yet still linger on the negatives. no one person should be so ungrateful.

what a contradictory state of mind. sigh.

whats the point of continuing this post, really.

2011-01-04T21:20:00.002+08:00

i want to cry.

for all my unfinished business back home.

for leaving so many people behind.

for the fact that every single person that matters to me lives in a different part of the world.

i want to cry because sometimes i feel i dont have the strength to live far away from home anymore. i want to cry because even though id like to think im a grown up independent individual, im not, im really just a child who wants to be with her family no matter how annoying it may get sometimes. i want to cry because i feel like crying simply because the sara ive made myself up to be is not weak and doesnt cry over random shit.

i want to cry because i miss so many people at this very second that it physically hurts to move right now. i want to cry because ive hurt certain people in my life and ill probably never be able to take back the things ive done.

my heart and head and every bone in my body hurt. terribly.

i want to cry maybe because its pms but also maybe because im tired of this lifestyle.

independence is not all its cracked up to be or maybe it is and im not appreciating it.

nothing will help right now but being curled up in my bed back home crying my eyes out either that or walking around the pool downstairs.

nothing can provide the sense of calm that home does.

i NEED to get over this homesickness.

fuck this shit.

im tired of hurting.

also i miss you... but im not sure if its YOU i miss or if its just an irrational longing i have to have something just one freaking thing that is constant in my life.

screw this. seriously.

2010-12-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

no matter how bad it was a few months ago you cant help but wish you could rewind while youre in the present and no matter how bad it is now, you cant help but want to be living this exact moment a few months from now.

last christmas there were so many things going on at the same time.

im not saying it was bad but im not saying things were a-okay either.

12 months on, almost 365 days later i cant help but want nothing more than to be back where i was last christmas.

last christmas i could have given you my heart.

but i couldnt have hurt you more if id intentionally wanted to.

saying no, walking away, pretending to be indifferent...

sure that was a few relationships ago but i still miss you.

i knew id regret what i was doing before id even begun to say anything.

i still wake up some mornings with a pang of regret, and hurt so deep the weirdest sense of curiosity, the deepest desire to know 'what if'

what if id been less selfish and given you a shot.

what if id let us become something im most certain would have lasted.

what if.

its too little too late to fix things now.

there was no turning back then, theres no turning back now.

wish id think certain things through more before making a decision.

i cant afford to keep making mistakes like this.

one day im going to wake up and itll be too late to make amends.

i refuse to get stuck in a self imposed rut. i refuse.

How many hearts would be invaded for the wrong reasons,

if each time you said "I love you", you meant it?

you always wanted to know if i loved you?!

i did, i do and i probably always will even if its just a little bit.

2010-12-09T22:31:00.003+08:00

i would give just about anything for a change.

a massive 180 degree change that leaves me breathless with fear.

a change so huge i wont know what hit me.

a change so magical i wont know how to offer praise in thanks.

a change is astounding no one believe what it was that hit them.

a change so sudden that its doesnt even dawn on some what has happened.

maybe if i chant it over and over ill eventually get what i want!?

change.change.change.change.change.change.change.change.change.change.change.change.

Then I was somewhere else, and it was bright. A voice said
"If you'd carried on practicing that song you almost got right, you would've been great. Bigger than the Beatles."
It continued
"If you'd carried on working on that book you almost finished, it would've changed the lives of many, many people."
Then it said
"If you'd tried to reach the one you loved just a little bit more, when you almost had them, your life would've been completely different."
And I asked
"Is this what happens when I die?"
And the voice said
"Almost."

then again maybe for now ill hold on.

if just for a while longer ill try to see the beauty in whats in front of me.

after all every rain has its sunshine, no?

patience is key.

help me for i need to master the art of patience.

2010-12-05T01:35:00.002+08:00

we spend a lot of time trying to organize the world.

we build clocks and make calendars

but what part of our lives is really under our control?

everything seems to be in a mess.

i have the faintest idea of what could set things right but somehow i know ill screw even that up if i tried. just like i have many times already.

nothing goes the way you want it to.

for now though, im just really glad my dad gets in tomorrow evening.

as much as i love this independence it gets lonely.

and there is nothing quite like the comfort of family.

both the family we're born into and the one we make through the years.

i miss living in close proximity to the people i love.

2010-11-21T15:00:00.002+08:00

i spent the last half hour crying because i cant do this anymore.

bottling up feelings is not the easiest thing to do.

the thought of being away from home for four more years is killing me. im so homesick its not even funny. im tired of pretending to be okay when really im not.

its hard to fake a smile all the time.

its hard to listen to everyone's problems when i have so many of my own to deal with.

im tired of having to pretend that im okay with everything you do.

or that i let you get too close again.

im tired of having to have long distance skype sessions with my family and friends.

im tired of telling myself that four years is nothing and itll end before i know it, that it all really is worth it. because four years is a lifetime really. the next four years are going to feel like forty years and i feel myself aging about a million years in that time.

im homesick and sad and tired and just teary.

sad songs dont help, being around people doesnt help, being alone doesnt help.

nothing is going right today.

maybe its the sunday blues.

or maybe i really am sick of being alone.

go figure.

2010-11-16T23:03:00.002+08:00

its on nights like this that i want nothing than to be back home with the people i love.

to be able to say something incredibly mean and have my bestfriend laugh it off simply because she KNOWS im kidding.

to have a massive yelling match over something entirely stupid but to be able to laugh it off with the bestfriend because we both love each other far too much to stay mad for long.

to be able to chill and just sb over a couple of drinks at holland with the other bestfriend, in comfortable silence thats interrupted every now and again by our awesome stories.

to be able to say or do the most retard and obscene thing and have my friends laugh it off simply because they know me too well to think im being serious.

to be able to have a massive yelling match with my sister just so i can tell her i love her at the end of it.

on nights like this i want nothing more than to go back to 2008 or 2009 even and to experience that amazing comfort again. to feel if just for one more second what it feels like to be entirely enveloped in nothing but comfort and familiarity and love.

if its one thing i hate about me its my inability to not take the 'now' for what it is and to embrace it with all this sucky shity moments because i know a year from now ill probably long for nights like this.

where im homesick and tired and exhausted and where i have little little holes in my heart where i once used to house all the love in the world for a few super special super amazing people.

distance and space are hard to overcome.

its even harder to be okay about it every waking moment.

some days-thank god it doesnt happen frequently-i want to do nothing more than to run to the different corners of the world where we've all been scattered to and to hold every one of my nearest and dearest in a tight embrace, to be able to have coffee over an endless gossip session, to be able to simply tell them how much it is i love them.

these thoughts arent going to get me anywhere.

i need tonight to end.

now.

2010-11-09T23:14:00.003+08:00

after all these years boys STILL confuse me.

i dont understand the random calls to say 'i miss you' and 'come meet me now because i havent seen you in like 2 hours' and all the random random sweet nothings they spew during those phone calls. its all fine and dandy and maybe its what makes the person charming and its what adds to the attraction but its unacceptable when you have a girlfriend (or so everyone says) and yet you dont let up with the flirting.

i get that its possibly more complicated since its a friendship that isnt worth ruining but after all these months and all these mixed signals i think its about time you made up your mind.

im not saying that i think we should be together im just saying its not fair to the other chick who has no freaking clue what her 'boyfriend' is saying to other girls when shes not around.

argh. boys will be boys i guess.

on another note, classes commenced today and im more than exhausted.

7am to 5pm days reaally dont work for me.

im tired and i feel like ive just finished a 30km run and its only the end of day one.

im counting on things getting easier as we go along though.

fingers crossed.

on an even more different note, im suddenly not so sure i want to go home for christmas after all.

gosh im so fickle it bugs even me.

maybe its just the fatigue talking?

Until the the part of me that you first touched, forgets.

2010-10-20T01:09:00.002+08:00

one year on, 365 days after we started... i walked away.

this time without the intense guilt or sadness i was plagued with all the previous times.

this time i made my decision more for you than for me though id have you believe otherwise.

im sick of the little mind games and the stupid fights.

ultimately it wasnt even worth it.

i could go into detail about every aspect of the past 12 months (well technically maybe just 3 or 4 solid months that spanned a year if you want to get technical about it) but theres no point.

at the end of the day no matter how much i tried or no matter how much you wanted it, you were not my last thought before bed and you were most certainly not my first thought each morning.

not once did i lead you to believe i wanted this even a fifth as much as you did and not once did i express any emotions which i did not have.

im sorry you wasted all those emotions but im infinitely happy that not for a second did i lie or tell you otherwise, in fact from the very first moment i told you that you were wasting your time.

im emotionally spent.

not because i invested emotions in this joke we were both fooling ourselves with but im spent because of all the energy you sucked out of me.

i wont say good riddance because at the end of it i lost an incredible friend but im sorry youre childish and immature.

well that was one significant thing thats happened in the last 12 days that ive been home.

12 more days, wonder what else will happen (:

they say lightning never strikes twice, but thats a myth.

it doesnt happen often, lightning usually gets it right the first time.

when ure hit with 30000amps of electricity, you feel it:

it can make u forget who you are.

it can burn you, blind you, stop your heart.

it can cause massive internal injuries

but for something that only happens in a milisecond

it can change your life forever.

2010-09-26T00:15:00.000+08:00

with every piece of my heart ive given away ive never asked for anything in return

two decades later i realize there i dont have too many pieces left to give.

its the ten day count down.

23 hours and 45 more minutes before im home and i can hardly contain my excitement.

ive never been away from home for such a long stretch before-almost 5 months.

i miss my room, my balcony, holland village, town, the beach.

i miss the fact that everywhere you look theres a high rise building, i miss the fact that everyone is always rushing off somewhere. i miss the hustle and bustle even the stress.

i miss the accent and the people.

i miss the heat and the humidity even.

more than anything else i miss my friends and family.

i miss family dinners and movie nights with my sister.

i miss being able to call the bestfriend at 10pm every single night.

i miss all the little things that have made me the person i am today.

im bursting with excitement and joy and ive all this happiness and there isnt a single word in the english dictionary that can describe the utter elation im feeling.

its funny though, these last 10 days are going by at snails pace :(

on a different note, my apartment is beginning to feel more like home..

its painted my favourite shade of my favourite-est colour and daddy brought my awesome lights from home and now all theres left for me to do is put up pictures in my living room then ill be all done.

on an even more different note ive 7 final exams this week alone and im not emotionally prepared and and the thought of studying more than i already have is killing me. dentistry is no joke, seriously.

2010-09-23T07:11:00.001+08:00

id be lying if i said i didnt care.

because every time we argue in the midst of the yelling and being mad at you all i really want to do is to hug you and tell you that you mean the world to me.

id be lying if i said i dont miss you.

because more often than not you are my first thought when i wake up and my last thought right before i drift off to sleep.

id be lying if i said im going to ignore you for a while.

because a moment of not talking to you feels like hours and a day feels like years and i want nothing more than to spend every waking moment hearing your voice.

id be lying if i said i wish youd leave me alone so that i can move on.

because nothing could hurt me more than to know youve found your happiness elsewhere that youve realized all this time we had was time that could have been better spent.

id be lying if i said i dont want to live another day if its going to be without you.

because youre my poison, the one thing that will ultimately send me over the edge and i want nothing else than to erase you from all my memories.

its a contradictory state of mind, i concur.

for the most part though i need you to understand i dont like you.

if part of me wants you in my life, the better, bigger part of me wants you out of it.

going round in circles is a game i like to play just so i can see who will throw in the towel first.

its not about mind games, its not about lying.

round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows?

wrong.

i know.

ive emerged victorious and you? youre just another loser in this stupid game we all play.

play with fire and you get burnt.

dont be mistaken though, you were the fire and i got burnt.

im tired and weary.

and this time im throwing in the towel.

theres no need to win every time, is there?

lose the battle, win the war.

theres nothing like the sweet sweet taste of victory but what else remains when youre finally ready to celebrate your triumphs?

we're just pieces of a puzzle someone got tired of putting together.

2010-09-20T12:05:00.002+08:00

dietary staple of a college student living overseas:

breakfast:

coke zero.

lunch:

iced tea and or coke zero

ice cream

dinner:

hong kong noodles/ beef and broccoli from the chinese place

instant noodles

home made spaghetti

and coke zero

seriously thats all i eat its the same thing day in day out haha youd think that when i get sick of it i eat something else or try to make time to make food but NOPE. its either whats written above or nothing at all.

oh and i believe i forgot to mention chips and ice cream as fruit replacements.

gosh i miss home cooked meals.

starting next semester i promise ill cook at least 3 meals a week. or at least ill TRY.

2010-09-14T20:05:00.003+08:00

three weeks left before life returns to normal.

before my world goes back to spinning on its right axis.

there are so many experiences that come with living alone in a different country.

so many experiences and none of which youd have if you were to live with your parents at this age but as awesome and eye opening as these experiences are i cant help but wonder if the price you pay is too high. there isnt anything quite like living in the comfort of your own home with your parent's protective arms around you.

how high a price should you be willing to pay to attain certain experiences in life?

i dont know though... i think im beginning to sound a little more like a bratty child and less like the 20 year of dentist to be that i am. i cant help it though.

my mum is leaving tomorrow and i feel like im carrying the weight of the world on my heart.

these last three weeks are going by at snails pace.

i can barely breathe.

theres something incredibly huge blocking my windpipes.

i fucking miss home. i fucking miss my friends. i fucking miss how simple things used to be. i fucking miss not having anything to miss. i fucking hate tonight.

i wish my mummy wasnt leaving :(((

dear god please let september come to an end so i can finally go home.

2010-09-04T20:57:00.005+08:00

i long for the late nights where i would sit in my balcony,

heart heavy with a world of grief-or at least what seemed like grief-

sipping coffee while i watched the rain fall.

ive come a long way and im no longer the same person i was six months ago.

funny what living alone can do to you.

thrown into a situation where you have to grow up and be independent at warp speed.

i suppose this is the independence i always wanted, the ability to be me-just me-without having to answer to anyone and yet its hilarious how i long for nothing more than to be able to run to my parents when something goes slightly wrong.

its a contradictory state of mind im in... as much as i appreciate my parents visiting me every month i find it hard having to give up my solitude.

sure its nice to come home to a house thats not empty and sure its nice to be able to complain about anything you so desire without being judged but theres nothing quite like being yourself, by yourself all the time.

contradictory state of mind, remember?

not much longer before im back in singapore.

there is nothing i miss more than that feeling you get when you first step into the transit hall at changi airport. the smell the sights the feeling of being home.

its the most calming effect ever. at that moment nothing can go wrong, no one can say anything to ruin the mood. there is nothing better than stepping on singapore groud and knowing youre home. it doesnt matter if ive been gone for a month or a couple of days, there is nothing more calming and amazing as the feeling i get when i first walk through changi's transit gates.

i miss home incredibly.

3 weeks of staying home, lying by the pool and isolating myself in my room.

21 days of roaming orchard and going into every single shopping centre.

504 hours of being with the people i love most in the world.

30240 minutes of ultimate peace and tranquility and contentment.

33 more days till sem break and i can hardly wait.

i need to be back home.

2010-08-17T01:33:00.002+08:00

im out of words.

running through my mind is a mish mash of incoherent thoughts.

its crazy how everything changes so randomly.

im sick of the drama.

im sick of the lies.

funny how you NEVER appreciate what you have till its gone.

why on earth am i so fickle?

why on earth am i so annoying?

there must me a cure for this disease, no?

im a fucking joke.

no one makes up and breaks up with the same person so many times.

damnit if you like him stay with him, if you dont fucking move on.

stop it with the drama and the nonsense and the i love him but i cant be with him crap.

youre not fooling anyone but yourself.

if the distance is such an issue then fucking move on.

stop getting sucked back into the same thing over and over.

once bitten twice shy. right? RIGHT?

now grow up, act your age and realize that its mind over matter.

theres no such thing as love.

and no such thing as 'if its meant to be itll work out'

damnit if it was meant to be it would have already worked out.

learn from the people around you,

be a little emotionless

be more selfish

be more conceited

because at the end of the day no one and i mean NO ONE can have your back but yourself.

sure youre surrounded by people who love you and would do anything for you but damnit they wont always be there right?

NOTHING lasts forever,

its about time you realised.

its about time you learnt.

its about time you grew up.

damnit stop being such a pathetic fool.

there you go.

feel better now?

just gonna stand there,

and watch me burn

but that's alright,

because I like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's alright
because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

2010-08-11T01:28:00.005+08:00

i miss a lot of things right now.

but more than anything i miss you.

id give ANYTHING for five minutes of contentment, happiness, comfort.

id give anything for five minutes in your arms.

id give anything to be able to sit with you for a couple more minutes.

id give anything for a do over.

id give anything for one more chance to tell you exactly how i feel.

anything.

its too little too late.

some things get lost forever if you dont protect them with all your heart.

some things are worth fighting for till your last breath.

but just the same,

some things are easier to walk away from.

It's because you and them were made of the same pieces.

And afterwards, when you put yourself back together, some piece of them remained.

2010-07-29T22:47:00.005+08:00

tonight there was a fire.

amongst the panic and the passing out and the 'are you okays'

all i wanted to do was to get home and to get under the covers.

i havent missed home more in my life.

the comfort of knowing there are a million people you can call in your time of need.

im not being ungrateful, i know im surrounded by a great bunch of people here too but nothing can replace the amazing friends and family i have back home.

nothing can even come close.

i miss so many things right now its not even funny.

i miss having people i can pour out my heart to.

i miss having the people i love being just a couple of minutes away.

i miss calling certain friends and having them come down just to make me feel better.

i miss being so absolutely coordinated with certain people.

i miss my room i miss holland village i miss town.

i miss HOME.

id give just about ANYTHING to be back for a whole of five minutes.

thats all i ask, to be home for five minutes.

im not asking for too much am i?

its been a fucked up week and i can hardly wait till its over.

2010-07-29T03:09:00.000+08:00

you look into my eyes and its like you can look right into my core.

you say my eyes reveal secrets i refuse to let you in on.

you brush my fringe to the side.

you say its such a waste if you cant see every inch of my face.

you hold me in your arms and hours fell like minutes.

you can make every last one of my worries disappear with a simple embrace.

you kiss me softly.

you say i need to be handled with care because im precious.

you hold my hand.

you say youre afraid youre afraid you'll lose me.

you whisper sweet sweet nothings in my ear.

you make time stand still.

you make everything around me come to a halt.

you made me feel things i never wanted to feel.

you made me want to throw caution to the wind.

you made me want to believe in forever.

you made me want to believe in always.

you made me want to believe in love.

you made me want to believe in 'us'.

you said you loved me.

you made me wish i could hold on to that moment for ever.

but instead i laughed and said thanks.

i wasnt made for forever

i wasnt made for always

i wasnt made to believe that love exists

i wasnt made for this.

i wasnt made for the you and me that could have been.

and even though you probably wont read this,

i love you.

problem is, i cant commit to you until i can commit to me.

i cant give you all of 'me' when im not sure who this 'me' is.

i cant let go of the 'what ifs'

i cant come to terms with the distance.

ill love you from here for as long as i can.

one day youll be a distant memory.

one day ill think of you and itll bring a smile to my face instead of piercing a dagger through my heart.

maybe one day ill realize what a fool i was to let you pass me by

or maybe one day ill wake up and you wont be the first thing i think of.

maybe one day ill be able to let go,

im just not ready for that one day to be now.

What you're looking for can be found when the sun rises and the dew is still wet on the leaves.
It is then that things are not yet set, everything is possible and promises can either be broken or kept.

2010-07-27T23:20:00.003+08:00

tonight was sushi and pool night.

i must admit though i STILL suck at pool like big time, its about time i learnt.

the last couple of nights have been gross and well icky.

i hate emotions that appear out of no where and leave you gasping for air.

i hate feeling things ive tried so hard to suppress.

most of all i hate surviving on two hours of sleep a night,

it gives me more time to think and im SICK of thinking. seriously.

on a more happy note though,

happy birthday althea yii.

love you sweetheart.

2010-07-26T03:04:00.001+08:00

ghandi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant

but its very important that you do it.

i tend to agree with the first part.

by 22 ghandi had 3 kids, mozrat had 30 symphonies and buddy holly was dead.

wonder where ill be by then?

half way through dentistry?

accomplished? happy?

satisfied?

you once told me, our finger prints dont fade from the lives we touch

is that true for everybody? or is it just poetic bullshit?

2010-07-25T23:06:00.001+08:00

an incredible urge to run in the opposite direction.

a repetitive cycle that always hurts.

long and exhausting hours discussing the same things.

meaningful looks that tell stories youre dying to hear.

one touch that makes you forget all your problems.

one kiss that could melt even the hardest stone.

an incredible urge to run in the opposite direction.

and yet so reluctant to leave you arms.

No storm is so bad that you can't learn something from it.

You can grow in a storm. You can thrive. Rain cleans the air.

And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you

more than I've ever missed anything before.

2010-07-24T03:21:00.000+08:00

so you write it and then you rewrite it.
you perfect each sentence as if the tiniest error could result in tragedy.
you take great care in picking the paper you write on.
the pen you use has to be of a certain colour. an exact shade.
when you're done with your seventh draft you decide to rewrite it once more.
just to be sure.
when you're done and you've read it at least fifteen times over,
you finally feel like you're ready.
so you place it in the most perfect envelope you can find.
paste the prettiest stamp on the top corner.
seal the envelope.
walk to the mailbox.
right before you shove it in, you rip up the letter to shreds.
you make sure its cut up so small it can no longer be pieced together.
at the end of the day it wont matter if the letter is read or not.
words that could move mountains will merely float through you.
sentences that took hours to construct will leave you unfazed.
it is indeed better this way.
you, blissfully unaware.
and me, determined to not care.

i still remember the night i wrote this.
id just read your letter and i was done penning you a reply.
it took me mere minutes to say everything i wanted you to know,
yet it took hours to decide if i should send it out.
i wrote about the tiny truths that would make a world of difference.
the insignificant things that would change things almost entirely.
for once i was completely honest with you.

but i never sent out that letter.
something about you knowing how i truly felt terrified me-still does.
its always easier to be loved than to love.
always easier to know the person youre with loves you more than you love them.
selfish but easier.
so i wrote a lengthy response full of hope and bursting with love.
but ultimately my mind took over.
mind over matter right?
why prolong something that hardly makes sense.
thousands of miles is not a joke.
even if theres love, the distance would wedge a space between us.

all these months have gone by and im still where i was half a year ago.
thoughts of you consume my days.
all day, every day you haunt me.
you are my poison.
but you know that.
at this point pretty much everyone is telling me to move on.
we've go on with this for far too long.
love doesnt always triumph.
if you love someone set them free right?
i wish i had the guts to tell you to leave me alone.
better yet, i wish i had the guts to remove you from my life.
to not reply to texts or phone calls or emails.
i wish i could forget.
not the memories but the emotions at least.
at yet what i wouldnt give for just one more day of being on the same freaking continent as you at least.

There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favourite.

its 3.21am on a friday night, ive a class tomorrow at 7am and i need to wake up in two hours to get ready.
arghhh i need a holiday. now.

2010-07-21T03:26:00.000+08:00

it one of those days.

where everything goes wrong simultaneously.

my mum left.

i had another fight with you.

slideboy found my number-god knows how-and called.

gentleman and i had a CRAZY fight ala world war three.

i guess the upside is that i topped the class for anatomy.

the only perfect score, thank you very much :D

i suppose studying does have its perks.

andand i get the next day and a half off.

i need some major ME time.

2010-07-18T22:19:00.003+08:00

im crazy pissed off at you.

you annoy the hell out of me.

youre freaking hot and cold.

make up your freaking mind and stop mindfucking me.

stop being a fucking baby and decide already.

im not messing with you so you sure as hell shouldnt be messing with me.

i highly recommend picking up on your friends attitudes.

its not that hard to act a little more human.

being an assface never got anyone far.

sure itll get you somewhere but not far.

dont you dare regret any of this once the shit hits the fan.

asswipes, thats what you are.

coward.assface.jerk.moron.fool.

damnit youre annoying.

2010-07-17T01:46:00.002+08:00

You are in some songs that still get played on the radio when the DJ is feeling nostalgic.
You are in a book you once lent me (never returned) with yellowed pages.
You are in trees when I touch them, even ones without names carved into them.
You are in the way someone on the street laughs as I pass them.
You are in a box I keep filled with letters.
You are in a ring I no longer wear.
And, every day, you each get a moment to haunt me.

every day i miss you a little more.

it doesnt get easier.

time doesnt heal the wounds.

the sharp edges dont get any softer.

and every single day your memory haunts me.

shakes me to my very core and leaves me breathless.

everyday im reminded of you in different ways.

all day, everyday...

2010-07-16T17:05:00.002+08:00

i havent written anything meaningful or thought provoking in the longest time and i miss it.

yesterday was alright.

i love birthdays and all but not so much when im a in a foreign land without any of my close friends with me.

but like i said, it was alright. we spent the night before drinking and 'counting down' then we spent the actual night drinking way more than we should have.

nothing exciting, nothing fascinating but enough to put a huge smile on your face.

round three is tomorrow night-given that the exams will be over by then.

i spent the last couple of days really missing home though.

i was surrounded by an amazing group of people, many of whom i didnt appreciate.

i was constantly busy either socializing or just doing things that made me happy.

i had a boyfriend who was willing to do just about anything for me if only id let him.

i gave up everything i had and everything i was comfortable with to pursue this random degree.

sure theres a great future in it and sure its a kickass course but i just cant help but wonder if its really worth it. im truly thankful for everything i have and all the amazing opportunities ive been presented with through the years but its moments like this that make me wonder if any of it is truly worth it.

i know this is just a random feeling/thought though.

this too shall pass.

im alright (:

ps: i wish you hadnt called last night. now more than ever i wish i hadnt let you go.

When all I want to do is sleep, all want makes me do, is think about you.

2010-07-07T01:26:00.000+08:00

i had a pretty fun night.

decided to host a dinner party instead of going out and instead of inviting everyone i decided to invite a few close friends.

i must say it was quite awesome.

im not sure whats happening, im not sure where we're going but it seems we're moving in the right direction.

actually, maybe we're not.

whatever it is, the mistakes. the wrongs and rights. the terrible flaws we have. the stupid things we say. the great help you are. the awesome company we have. im glad we're doing this.

im glad things have played out this way.

in eight days im going to be a whole year older.

it scares me more than i can possibly begin to say.

but im glad i am where i am.

i never imagined id have accomplished as much as i have at this age.

sure ive made certain mistakes and sure there are entire things i should cut out from my life and only then would it seem perfect to some but through it all, the good and the bad, the rights and the wrongs im thankful for every last bit of it.

truly i am.

but thats a long post for some other time ((:

for now, im going to go to bed with a smile on my face.

its been a while since ive felt this comfort.

i know it may not last.

but i sure as hell hope it does.

You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them. Tell them to hold on tightly anyway. Tell them everything is worth it and that the richness of life is only ever enhanced by its inevitable, brief flashes of sadness and loss.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIGS.

2010-07-01T02:59:00.000+08:00

its been good. reallllll good.

but thats what sucks...

im afraid of this happiness, im afraid ill blink and itll go away.

im afraid ill lose it just as fast as i got it.

for the same reason that ive always been terrified of committing, im afraid of being happy.

there i said it.

im finally being honest with myself.

im afraid of being truly, completely happy because im afraid of losing it.

You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them.

i miss you terribly.

i only wish i had enough courage to tell you as much.

2010-06-22T21:15:00.002+08:00

i was scared too but its interesting how everything turned out.

im doing the course i wanted.

im surrounded by a nice and amazing group of people.

its my second week of uni of it feels like i belong.

my schedule is INSANE but im always so busy laughing throughout the day that i barely notice the hours flying by.

carving and drawing stuff (teeth rather) is not a strength i have but its amazing how so many people are more than willing to help without you even having to ask.

i dont want to jinx it but its been alright.

sure i miss home terribly sometimes but im guessing thats just natural, right?

i miss the people i left behind incredibly though.

how awesome it would be if you could bring the people you love everywhere you go.

i suppose i wouldnt even mind living on the moon-as long as i have my friends and family that is.

anyway, its been alright so far and im hoping it gets better.

i guess im super thankful that ive found people who are more or less like me.

speaking four languages certainly helps though (:

late night shisha tomorrow, talk about having a sense of normalcy :D

its been real good and all but im still counting down till term break in october (:

home sweet home for a month!

If you blur your eyes, the streetlights become hundreds of ghosts going home.

2010-06-16T22:14:00.002+08:00

you were better to the ones that were worse for you. And worse to the one that was better for you.

distance and space were things she considered problems.

fear of admitting true feelings was another problem.

lastly it was the unknown.

the thought of giving up 'potentials' to be 'comfortable'

maybe its a mistake she'll regret for years to come.

but on the flip side, maybe itll be the best thing shes ever done for herself.

its not nuclear science, of course she'll miss you.

most certainly there'll be days she can barely get through because everything reminds her of you.

but dont forget, itll only get easier.

time doesnt heal wounds. certain wounds never get healed.

time will merely teach her how to cope, how to take things in her stride.

instead of crying eventually she'll just tear.

instead of getting angry or upset eventually she'll think of you and itll bring a smile to her face.

sure its over. sure she ruined it. sure things could have been different.

but i guess she'll never know.

2010-06-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

pictures from the present to remind you of the past, in the future.

i was only fooling myself if i thought a few thousand extra miles between us and the fact that you dont have my new number will help me forget you because it hasnt.

time heals all wounds right?

sooner or later, this to shall pass-or at least i hope it will.

im incredibly scared about starting school next week.

i just hope it wont be weird and awkward.

either way i imagine im going to be incredibly busy and tired in the weeks to come seeing as to how my days are super packed.

ive missed it though.... the feeling of extreme exhaustion that even every last strand of hair on your head hurts. being so exhausted you can barely blink..

i can hardly wait to jump right into it...

i just hope everything works out right.

Dreaming isn't hard. Dreaming while you walk, work and wonder, is another matter entirely.

2010-06-08T20:26:00.003+08:00

i decided to skip orientation simply because it isnt my cup of tea and i ALWAYS skip orientations anyway. this whole apartment shopping/filling up a completely empty house thing is incredibly tiring. exciting yes but deff tiring more than anything else.

so although i have plenty of interesting things to say i cant for the simple reason that im so tired i could die :(

on a side note, i just realised how great this move is turning out to be.

new school. new country. new experiences.

its no where near as bad as i thought it would be.

quite the opposite actually :D

i do really miss home though.

and more than anything else, i miss my friends.

the comfort of having the people i love around me.

the comfort of having constants.

2010-06-02T19:45:00.002+08:00

finally signed the lease on my apartment yesterday.

spent the better half of today furniture shopping.

had the BEST singaporean food ever.

school starts in a couple of days and im nervous as hell.

funny how im not even scared about whether or not ill cope with the work load or whatever but im more worried about finding friends :s

my blackberry is proving to be quite a pain seeing as to how ive barely had the time to figure out how bbm and all that shit works.

but at least i found a quaint shisha place and a bunch of good looking neighbors.

and each day im thinking about you a little less-which is a good thing, right? RIGHT?

miss my friends though :((

2010-05-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

to the ends of the world and back.

thats how far i was willing to go.

you'd best believe it.

you shouldnt have called last night. you shouldnt have texted.

more importantly i shouldnt have replied.

mind over matter.mind over matter.mind over matter.

chanting it over and over doesnt help anymore.

especially since every last bit of logic i have seems to disappear every time youre around.

damnit what's happening to me.

You were a dream. Then a reality. Now a memory.

2010-05-12T01:04:00.004+08:00

i make wishes.
shooting stars, 11.11, wish bones, birthday candles, fallen lashes.
tonight i made my last wish.
and now im done making wishes.
its not that i no longer have faith, i just dont have the patience anymore.
i made a decision and now i have to stick to it.
maybe i should have thought about it more, maybe i should have weighed out the pros and cons, maybe i should have made lists, or maybe i should have flipped a coin.
im not saying i regret my decision.
im not saying i want to take it all back or that i want to go back a couple of months or...years.
all im saying is that im done feeling the way i feel.
im done.
and so i made one last wish.
not to go back in time to change things, not to take back the things i said, not to forget everything that happened but to finally be at peace with my decision.
tonight i wished for contentment.
i didnt make a wish for you or for myself. i didnt make a wish for the future or to erase the past.
i wished a wish that i desperately hope comes true.
contentment. is it really too
much to ask?

The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you've done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit.

The good news is, this wouldn't be the first time someone's crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.

2010-05-03T00:38:00.002+08:00

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

NEED a time machine desperately!

six whole days and counting.

who knew id make it this long without caving (:

2010-04-27T01:42:00.001+08:00

you spend so long hoping and wishing for something that when you finally get it you cant remember why you wanted it in the first place.

im scared shitless.

i wish someone would remind me why ive wanted this course for so long now.

i need someone to tell me everything will be okay,

that i wont be some freaky loner with no friends in a whole new country.

that i wont miss home.

that ill actually succeed.

that everything will be okay.

sometimes i wish i was aimless and ambition-less. maybe then i wouldnt have to give up everything in my pursuit of 'success'- or whatever this thing im doing is.

scared shitless thats what i am.

are the details in the fabric?

are the things that make you panic

are your thoughts results of static cling?

if you're shocked it's just the fault
of faulty manufacturing.

2010-04-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

i keep asking my friends if i made a mistake.

i keep thinking to myself that im going to regret my decision.

and yet my thoughts almost always end with if its really truly meant to be itll work out.

even if a few years have gone by, if this was ever really meant to be mine we'll find a way back.

theres no reason to go out of our ways to make things work.

if its meant to be, its meant to be. right??

i hope i dont wake up one morning thinking ive made the biggest mistake of my life.

that ive let something good pass me by.

i also hope i wake up one of these days only to realise that i no longer feel that pang of sadness, that i can get through an entire day without a single thought, that i am at peace with my decision, that my world makes sense again.

i was a fool for getting so caught up in things.

its my fault really. always has been, always will be.

i hope you find your peace too, that you move past this and find someone remarkably awesome that loves you more than you ever thought possible.

i wish you every happiness but it is in your happiness that i can ultimately find mine.

it is in your letting go that i can let go too.

if you love someone set them free. right? right?

2010-04-15T03:59:00.001+08:00

60km out of the city, under the stars, 11pm at night.

under the dried up orange tree in my grand mothers backyard.

third floor attic of your cousin's place.

2nd row from the back in the cinema watching 'up in the air' for the second time.

in the car.

your best friend's place.

lock all those times up in a little box and mark it memories because one day you will look back and you'll realise those were the best times of our lives.

as bad as it could get, it was really good too.

its funny how when we're together its easy to be mean and annoying.

its easy to ignore you and to walk away.

its easy to sit in the car with you and to ignore you for 45 whole minutes.

its easy to not reply to texts and even easier to not answer calls.

yet somehow a couple of thousand miles between us certainly changes things.

im not saying i would change the situation, im not saying i would go back to where we were.

all im saying is that for some screwed up reason i cant seem to get you out of my head.

especially on nights like this.

the future seems bleak at this point and too much of it is filled with uncertainty.

i wish i could change the situation or change locations or change something, anything.

but i cant.

we just have to accept some things as they are.

after everything thats been said and done just know that i still think about you and i still miss you.

space and time, that was always our problem.

i dont think itll ever stop being a problem :(

I just need you to be able to tell people I was here,

I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could.

And that the person that I loved, was you.

2010-04-05T23:04:00.004+08:00

stumbling in at awkward hours of the morning in a state not so acceptable when you're staying at your grandparents place. staying up till way past the sunrise laughing at the simplest of things. sitting on the roof with your feet dangling, the possiblity of falling over any second. going for three hour drives for lack of better things to do. crashing random friends homes in the afternoon to satisfy your shisha craving. hiking up mountains to have lunch with a kickass view. weekend trips out of town just so you can blast music and do stupid things with the certainty that you wont be recognised. tanning sessions gone terribly terribly wrong. jumping off the roof into a swimming pool with water that is naturally cold degree. dancing from 8pm till 4am simply because it made sense. weird tasting drinks that leave you with the taste of beef in your mouth. meeting family members you havent seen-ever. having arguments with the people you love the most. understanding that when you're quiet you notice way more than you would if you were part of the conversation. finally getting to know people you thought you knew your whole life. nights that are far too cold and days that are incredibly hot. expensive presents that are terribly wrapped. boys that are so good looking its unbelievable. birthday parties of people you dont know. 'experiments' gone wrong. dancing partners that dance wayyyyy better than anyone you've ever known.lying on the grass in the backyard looking up at the thousands of stars at night. laughing so hard you think you'll pee in your pants. having more fun than you ever thought possible. shopping practically every single day. wearing pretty boots that leave you with more blisters on your toes that you can count. hot tub nights. freezing under the rain. getting mugged by three men on a bike. spending hours at the station answering a million questions giving three different statements. meeting amazing people. leaving it all behind for the next few years.

this trip has been good.
too much happened in a few short weeks.
wish time would just freeze for a while.

In the movies, the person leaving you never has a blocked nose when they cry. And all their tears are pretty.

2010-04-05T05:30:00.000+08:00

we havent been more apart before than now that we're together.
all these years meant nothing.really.
its funny how its taken me so long to realise. to understand. to believe.
better late than never right?
you've changed so much i barely recognise you.
despicable. repulsive. gross. annoying.
we're going to regret the things we both said pretty soon.
one nasty fight doesnt take away all the great moments these past few years, i know.
but ive tried for the longest time to let it go and i the past week ive realised that letting go was never the hard part. the thought of you letting go was the bit that i feared the most.
ive come to terms with it though, let me go so i can let you go. please.
its been far too long and we're not going anywhere.
just let it go.

Here's to you. Because I've never met anyone who makes a better you, than you.

2010-03-13T00:17:00.004+08:00

this is just a little practice for the scary leaving for 6 six years bit that will come in a few months.

im still at home and i already miss everyone so so so so much.

1 week and many many many bad wardrobe malfunction-ish moments later, im finally packed.

i DONT wanna go though.

funny how every single time, right before i fly off somewhere i get this terrible feeling.

im leaving so many things undone, im leaving so many things unsaid but i did that the last time too.

wish i had the guts to say certain things to certain people who mean so so so incredibly much to me. okay, im rambling again.

well, ill be back when im back.

im going to miss everyone so much :(

If the type of person you wish existed doesn't, then that is who you must become.

could i be, was i there

it felt so crystal in the air

i still want to drown whenever you leave

please teach me gently how to breathe

im the one leaving, i know.

just know that i already miss you.

and YOU know who you are (:

2010-03-10T05:58:00.001+08:00

valentines day celebrations 2 months late.

cute presents and heartfelt letters.

apologies and explanations.

the promise of maturity and understanding.

the realization of time constraints.

how do you make a decision if you're being pulled in six different directions at the same time?

in about three months im going to leave this island for the next five to six years.

how am i supposed to pack my life into boxes?

how am i supposed to leave behind the people who matter so much to me?

i hate it when things are so iffy and you cant make decisions in the present for fear of the near future. i hate not being able to make impulsive, spur of the moment decisions because i know in 3 months everything is going to be so so infinitely different.

all this thought of leaving and moving and packing and universities and acceptances always leaves me unable to breathe.

i hate growing up.

seriously.

Some days it seems like it'll never end. Like there's just too much to do.
The reality of the situation is, you'll never be finished. If you finish all the work you've got to do, you'll find more to do. You can never really reach the end.
So accept that. Be ok with it. Find the peace you're looking for in the now. In this moment.
Right now. Every now.

2010-03-09T00:49:00.001+08:00

the last week has been a not so fun, barely exciting yet im-stuck-on-it-and-cant-get-off roller coaster ride. the past does always have a way of coming back to haunt us doesnt it?

i spent the past week making peace with some, getting increasingly annoyed at others. i went to acjc with a few friends in an attempt to provide them with moral support while they collected their A level results, like they did for us when we got ours. ive been comforting friends who have lost loved ones, who are uncertain about their future and also those who think their lives are over because they cant get into a particular university. in the last week, i received an acceptance offer for the bachelor of medicine and surgery.

this last week, i started packing my bags for the month long trip i have been planning for a while now. in the past week i also started talking to someone i had pushed away from myself for the longest time, in an attempt to be civil adults, we decided to talk things out and to be friends.

in the last week i also think i lost a certain close friend, i hate it when people simply 'disappear' to be by themselves without so much as a heads up.

its been quite an eventful week it seems.

im quite glad its about over though.

the closer we get to saturday, the more i dread it.

the fear of the uncertain, thats what it really is.

a whole month of not being surrounded by the people i love and am comfortable with :(

well, at least its good practice right??

Everything you do, you pay for.

So if you're going to kiss me,

you'd best be prepared to bleed.

i miss you.

2010-03-02T02:53:00.003+08:00

you try to sneak a peek because you can no longer wait.

you rip off the wrapping because being meticulous was never your forte.

it doesnt take long for you to realize you've come too far and there's no going back.

from the red box to the delicate band it contains, you know without having to look further that the events that will take place in the next 30 seconds are something you can never forget.

the conversation you're going to keep replaying in your head for the next few days will leave you with such an infinitely bitter taste in your mouth.

backed into a corner, unable to move.

you can hear his heart beating.

can you hear the gears in her head turning in an attempt to form a sentence?

commitment, another year, 365 more days, 52 more weeks.

the fear of the truth.

promise ring.

promises were meant to be broken.

walking away means never looking back.

you never breathe a word of your encounter for fear of the unknown finally making sense.

love in its various forms suddenly terrify you.

11 months after the incident you still find yourself thinking about it.

what if?

there is no what if.

we live with the decisions we make.

the good.the bad.

we live.

no regrets.

you were restless

i was somewhere less secure

so i went running to the road

and so now theres a long list of places i was

i quit my rambling and came home

2010-02-28T05:58:00.002+08:00

we keep secrets to protect people. sometimes the person we're trying to protect is ourself.

its not selfish, just practical.

sometimes its those secrets that we keep that mess things up way beyond recognition.

its usually not something big, and its never with the intention to hurt or disappoint but shit happens anyway.

remember that park we were in?

remember how we were sitting in silence for the longest time, neither of us able to say what we should have? eventually you broke the silence.

simple and to the point you looked me in the eye and said 'it feels like i no longer have the one thing ive tried my hardest to hold on to'

i didnt have much to say to that. without even looking back, i walked away.

i think more often than not i walk away from relationships im in. friendships on the other hand is a whole different situation. somehow its harder to let friends go.

today i heard something about you that pretty much ripped me to shreds.

im not one to fight for relationships but somehow i cant help but to think i made a mistake.

we all have regrets, some of us just have to deal with them for longer.

for the record, i love you too-even though i would NEVER admit it.

saying thank you in response to those three words has always been the easier thing to do.

on a different note, i just got back from felton's. seems like every weekend for at least a month now all we do is pretty much hang out at his place. nice, quiet, relaxed fun.

though we did cover all the bases tonight, shisha and kebabs at the cafe, clubbing and we ended the night all chilled out (:

makes me sad to think that in a little over a week im going to be thousands of miles away.

at least its been great fun up to now (: (:

So you wrote words on the walls of the prison.

Never noticing that the paragraphs became cages.

Each sentence, a bar. Every word, another lock.

2010-02-26T01:32:00.001+08:00

i love how honest people are when they drink.

i had such an honest and deep conversation last night simply because the person i was speaking to had had 5 shots too many. we spoke about life and our parents and the people we love, we spoke about our best friends and about hate. we covered all the bases and for the first time in a really long while i found myself so deep in thought merely because of what someone else was saying. i felt so overcome with regret that ive known this person for a good few years and ive never bothered to sit and have a conversation with him. but thats the beauty of life isnt it?

sometimes i wish people were in a state of perpetual alcohol induced 'high-ness' how wonderful would that be?

aside from all the fun things that happened last night there were 'not so great moments' too.

i wonder what it is about some people that simply draws you to them.

whether they're hurting you or whether you're having fun, you're just drawn.

maybe its to help ease a pain they're feeling or maybe its a strong urge to help them see themselves the way they SHOULD see themselves.

i think im rambling again but theres only so much i can say without having to say it all.

certain things happened that shouldnt have happened.

i heard certain things i wish i hadnt.

i saw certain things i cant forget.

if only i had the ability to simply forget.

on a particularly cold and quiet night we were having a conversation, remember?

i was telling you just how comfortable i am with you and how i tell you just about everything that is going on in my life. we laughed a little and stared into space a little and at the end of it i distinctly remember saying 'i wouldnt call you if i were in tears'

i wish id gone on to explain myself.

i wish id said the things i had to physically restrain myself from saying.

because sometimes its easier when we're honest and sometimes its easier to pretend.

with everything that has happened between us, the good and the bad, im glad we pulled through and that we're still friends.

cant imagine life without you buddy, i hope you know that.

and i give up
i let you win
you win cause I’m not counting

you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you’re dreaming

2010-02-19T01:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I can't work out if you're a friend who wants to talk to me or an enemy who wants to take from me.

need to know basis.

for the record, i DONT need to know any of the things you're telling me.

i ask, i question, but im only being polite.

STOP being such an insensitive prick. seriously.

i can hardly wait to leave in three weeks.

ill miss you insanely but this distance is EXACTLY what i need.

same thing happened the last time didnt it?

screw this shit, im not even making sense anymore.

The way there are no clocks in casinos and whenever you walk into one, the people in there are the people who shouldn't be in there.
The way supermarket aisles are designed to be confusing and no one in their right mind would put laundry detergent next to dog food.
The way economy class seats on an airplane could easily be more comfortable but they want you to pay to upgrade to first class.
The way everything you buy is designed to break so that soon, you'll have to buy a new one.
The way the whole world tries everything in its power to break you too.
The way you refuse, under any circumstances, to show the slightest crack.

the way i still have feelings i refuse to succumb to.

2010-02-17T23:23:00.004+08:00

this year's valentines day was different.

in place of the usual confusion that comes from having a significant other on this annoying day was a slightly more relaxed yet fun feeling that comes from thinking that quite simply 'anything goes.'

calls from a boy whom i havent spoken to in a little over half a year.

texts from people i had forgotten i used to love so so much.

flowers from old friends and new ones too.

hours spent trying to sober up for fear of a possible repeat of past events.

the past couple of days have been no different,

from the chinese new year visiting to boring barbeques and random long nights,

some of which leave you without much of a choice but to decide to jump into the pool at 3am with the bestfriend for lack of better things to do (:

but its been good.

and its times like this when its good and things are in their rightful places that you remember how in a few months everything will change so drastically you wont know what it was that hit you.

all that aside, ive booked my tickets and in a little less than 3 weeks ill be half way across the world in a country far far away surrounded by the few people i love so so much but i never get to see as much as i want to :(

You keep telling me to be glad for what we had while we had it. That the brightest flame burns quickest.
Which means you saw us as a candle. And I saw us as the sun.

2010-02-10T05:55:00.001+08:00

because your silence speaks volumes sometimes and yet it says nothing.

because your looks mean something that shake me to my very core but they say nothing.

because your company means more than you can imagine but it does nothing for me.

because the stolen glances, the confused grins, the incessant teasing, the very thought of you means so much and yet nothing all at the same time.

nothing.nothing.nothing.

in an ideal world, you would say everything we both know you're trying not to say.

in an ideal world, it wouldnt be hard to work things out and to move on with ours lives.

in an ideal world, two broken pieces would make a perfect whole.

in an ideal world, everything would make sense and nothing would matter.

but this isnt an ideal world we live in.

this place that we're stuck in, leaves you as you and me as me. no us, no we. no rainbows and butterflies, no forever.

in this place, uncertainty and fear trumps all.

in this place, broken pieces get thrown away instead of being pieced together.

in this place, with phones and emails and texts we're further apart than ever before even when we're right next to each other.

its not cryptic, its not confusing.

its not emo, its not thought provoking.

it just is.

take it at face value.

dont read into it, dont analyze.

but one day, if the words finally make sense, pick up your phone and call me.

because if things are meant to work out, we wouldnt have to move the heavens and earth to make it work, everything will slide into its rightful place.

on the flip side, if things are meant to fade into the darkness that is our 'past' then we'll still have the memories and if one day you find your happiness, know that somewhere somehow ill find mine too.

2010-02-09T01:58:00.000+08:00

Outside the station, she stands with her child on the side of the street, taking pictures of cars.
You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.

Because you look. But you do not see.

And she walks out the shop with bags full of cat food. You think she's some crazy cat lady until you find out, she has no cats.

Because you eat. But you do not taste.

It's been a while since their last album but he assures you, he's doing just fine these days, white flecks in his nostrils. Then he asks you if he can spend the night on your couch, even though it stinks.

Because you sniff. But you do not smell.

And they say "Just OK" when you ask them how school was. Then you wonder what they're hiding until you find their diary and the last entry reads "I wish you'd give me some privacy."

Because you listen. But you do not hear.

And they've got a bruise over their eye and you run the tips of your fingers over it and ask them how it happened. You believe them. Until it happens again.

Because you touch. But you do not feel.

And they walk past you everyday, one million stories, each waiting to be told. Waiting for you to ask.

Because you live. But very few, love.

simply magical, dont you think?

2010-02-06T22:54:00.001+08:00

i knew i shouldnt have started clubbing again.

it really isnt for weak people who have next to zero self control haha ie me!

needless to say wednesday night started out funfun but ended waaay messy.

i STILL try not to laugh too hard for fear of hurting myself any further.

i have bruises in places i didnt realise you could even get bruises!

but hey, it was fun fun (:(:

and even though i promised myself i wouldnt club for a looong looong time,

i think i need to get ready soon to make it to clark quay by 12 to meet the bestest and the rest (:

see what i mean by weak/no self control?

well it IS a saturday night.

its been a good few weeks!

i hope it stays like this for a while.

going to buy my flight tickets this week (: (: (:

2010-02-02T17:46:00.001+08:00

the picture doesnt make sense because for the past im not sure how many weeks all ive done is

surround myself with people. given my irrational fear of being left alone with my thoughts, being surrounded by people works for me.

i just hate that annoying feeling we all get sometimes, where you're totally surrounded people and you're having buckets of fun yet somehow you feel so so lonely. its funny really.

last night's clubbing/predrinks was pretty fun.

from the non-stop dancing to waiting outside for about a million hours.

there are far more things i feel the need to elaborate on but i really dont think this is the place for it. gotta hate the quiet sort of drama though. the kind where the tension in the air is SO thick and yet no one says anything.

argh, this whole not saying what im dying to say thing doesnt work for me.

feels like im about to implode.

i think the ONE thing that is keeping my head above the water is the fact that soon, really really soon, im going to be thousands of miles away and nothing helps more than a long ass plane ride to yourself to help sort out your thoughts not to mention the road trips and awesome places (:

sigh. how'd things get like this?

And you asked why people always expected you to smile in photographs.

And I told you it was because they hoped that in the future,

there would be something to smile about.

2010-02-01T23:37:00.000+08:00

its already february!

2009 feels like a whole lifetime ago.

its hard to believe SO much happened in january and yet it went by pretty slow.

remember how you laughed so hard you had coke coming out of your nose? remember how it took you a good few minutes to control your laughter so you would stop choking?

i wonder if this time there will be as many fun and gross memories.

are you prepared for the super awkward conversations?

the long pregnant pauses and the weird fidgeting.

i hope its not as weird as im imagining it to be.

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months.

its been a while hasnt it?

does absence really make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?

guess we'll find out soon enough.

Every office memo dreamed of being a love letter. If only it had the words.

can hardly wait to plan the upcoming trips :D:D

2010-01-29T22:28:00.001+08:00

when everything falls into place and things make sense again, there is always a stupid nagging thought at the back of your mind that at any given moment, at any second it could all fall apart. piece by piece it could crumble all around you.

and its not the thought of not having something that is scary, its knowing you lost something you already had. something you let fall through you fingers. something you didnt bother to hold on to with all your might.

just got back from yet another trip which turned out to be surprisingly fun.

who knew my dad and i could actually get along for 4 days without having a single disagreement?

now i have to plan my spring vacation (:

feels like i keep unpacking my suitcase just to pack it again all over again.

good thing i love travelling :D

im so sleepy i could die. sleeping 10 hours in two days is not cool :(

2010-01-19T01:03:00.003+08:00

its been a good few days.

and mope-y january is about over!!

a little run down of the weekend,

friday was shery's birthday party that i helped set up but didnt quite stay long enough for because the thought of socialising was just about killing me. then it was dinner which was nice and quiet-ish to say the least. saturday was airport day which was fun fun but it reminded me that it wont be long before we'll be back to send one of 'us' off to study in some random country :(-this though is a whole different topic that im not ready to rant on about just yet. sunday was my nice and chill 'tea' date with bethy and today was just a meeting-birthday-people day.

all in all the last couple of days have been good.

guess it was about time i left home and interacted with people for a bit.

though i must say, last week was pretty bad.

from uni searching to being all emo and depressed and not bothering to make my bed for an entire week!! im just glad that its behind me and that i can still do what i wanted to do initially.

its funny just how much you learn about people when you're going through a rough patch. from the ones who are there for you regardless of how annoying and emo and all 'its the end of the world' you can get, to the ones you find you have less and less to talk about.

ultimately though, you find out what you should have known all along.

guess im thankful that ive great people who're there as much as humanly possible through thick and thin.

im just rambling at this point arent i?

taking a few days off next week to go overseas, uni hunting and dean meeting with my dad.

need to come up with a list of 'things to talk about' with my dad before we go because the idea of long plane rides with awkward silences is more than i can bare.

on a side note, the 'boyfriend' is officially not the 'boyfriend' anymore.

not sure thats something i should have made public just yet but somehow saying it out loud makes it more real and i need a reality check anyway.

maybe its really really about time i did the whole 'me time' thing.

after all this while i think its really about time.

jen will be super proud of me im sure :)

eighteen days into 2010 and ive already had more to deal with that i care for.

wonder what other curve balls will be thrown my way this year.

but hey, ive always been good at dodging right?

well at least i think im good.

I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away

happy happy birthday rashmi and shery :D

2010-01-10T22:06:00.003+08:00

i suppose there isnt much else to do but to send out applications.

guess ill be up all of tonight filling in the same details on different forms.

good thing i love filling forms!
managed to narrow my choices and today's university talk thing was eye opening.

the only question is how soon i want to leave i guess?

and am i really ready to leave everything behind in hopes of finding myself and studying something that is worth my while.

i have about a million questions and a million more fears but i dont think this blog is an entirely appropriate place to 'voice' those uncertainties.

its the tenth day of the year. gosh its already passing by so fast.

2010 please be a good year. please.

2010-01-05T00:43:00.001+08:00

im petrified.

i have to remind myself to breathe because sometimes, i dont even realise im holding my breath.

this fear trumps anything ive ever felt before.

im having nightmares that leave me breathless when i wake up.

a part of me cant wait for wednesday to come around so we can be over with it

and yet another part wishes it never existed.

i hate waiting. i hate uncertainty.

im incredible terrified.

and now im out of words it seems.

crap.

2009-12-29T01:52:00.003+08:00

my dearest,

even though there are words that im dying to say, i wont. even though it physically hurts me to speak to you, i wont stop. even though there is nothing, and i mean nothing that stands between us but ourselves, i wont do anything about it. even though with every tick of the clock i feel us being driven further away, i wont react. even though i feel my heart being ripped to shreds with each new day that passes and things remain the same, i still wont react. im going to sit here and pretend that there is nothing at all weird about what has happened to us. because it is in denying everything, that i express just how much you matter to me.

its in denying every last detail of everything that was, that i show how much you mean to me.

it is in wanting you to no longer read this blog that i prove im letting go.

you were never really mine to have anyway.

with every new paragraph of every new post i wrote, we fell a little deeper.

your ego, my pride. my ego, your pride. back and forth and back and forth.

neither of us were ever going to win.

maybe its not a game but if it really isnt, then why do i feel like ive lost?

2009 brought with it bad memories and good memories of you.

the bad ones will haunt me for a long long while and the good ones?

well, the good ones are mine to keep.

tucked away in a corner of my brain, only to be visited on nights like this when im reminded of you.

it shouldnt have been as hard as we made it.

with the ending of the year 2009, im going to attempt moving forward without looking back.

but moving on doesnt mean ill forget how much you meant to me.

moving on doesnt take away from the fact that i let you in and you all but destroyed my heart

with none other than my help.

moving on means ive forgiven you but forgetting everything is a whole different story.

Yet, no matter how accurately you write it or mumble it under your breath,

it won't change the way things stand between you.

A poem, let alone a paragraph, is not a magic spell.

And the only people who can write those stay in padded rooms,

listening to music no one's ever played.

I like to think that somewhere out there,

on a planet exactly like ours,

two people exactly like you and me made totally different choices and that,

somewhere, we're still together.

That's enough for me.

2009-12-26T14:23:00.001+08:00

christmas was nice (:

quiet and laid back but nice. we had our usual christmas dinner and gift exchange which was super fun!! because really, you cant exchange that look of priceless elation on someone's face for anything else. from bad christmas wrapping that took a few really really long to get through to awesome things that everyone wanted, it was great.

there arent many words in the english dictionary which help in the description of pure contentment, utter happiness and the magical comfort that comes from being surrounded by a great group of friends :D

i love christmas and it pains me immensely to even begin wrapping my head around the fact that there is a high possibility we wont all be back together for christmas next year.

regardless, drinks and lighting up the vodka on the table was quite fun too.

and we ended the night doing what we do best, playing cards!

an amazing quiet christmas that i wouldnt have exchanged for any thing else.

next up is new years eve.

scares me to think that 2009 blew right past us.

it seems like it was just a few days ago that we were counting down and playing drinking chess at althea's last year. its like they say 'blink and it'll all be over.' well its over before i even got a chance to blink it seems.

i wish id had a moment in all the mess that was 2009 to stop and notice the things that were happening around me.

the many people i let slip through my fingers, the many relationships i didnt try to salvage.

the people i lost and the people i tried to be there for when they learnt of new life threatening diseases.

all in all 2009 was alright, but im saving my massive reminiscing post for a little later.

for now though, i hope everyone had as good a christmas as i did!

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

2009-12-21T11:33:00.001+08:00

christmas is almost here and it has to be by far the BESTEST holiday ever!

its a little bitter sweet this year though, it could very well be our last christmas dinner together which is pretty depressing if you really think about it.

but thats besides the point, with a black, blue and silver theme i dont see how it can be more perfect. the tree and all the blue and silver trimmings are up every decoration is in place save for the blue centerpiece for the table, we're going to have an awesome roast turkey with cranberry sauce and magical desserts and to top it off itll be with great company.

every christmas for the past 3 or 4 years has had its own certain level of magic and weird-ness and i cant wait to see what this years christmas has in store for us (:

all that aside, i just got back from a nice trip to indonesia with the family.

family trips always have their fair share of great moments and annoying ones too but they NEVER disappoint when it comes to the shopping.

i came back with more things than i could fit in my carry-on which is quite awesome to say the least (:

gotta love it when the father goes crazy and buys everything in sight because he feels the need to go all out on family vacations. maybe instead of planning an indonesian trip i should have planned one to milan instead!! too bad i didnt want to be away for long :(

and now that im back, im working with a super awesome doctor!!

though i must admit i look like an alien given that im all dressed in blue scrubs, white gloves and a damn face mask that more or less wipes off every bit of make up i have between my chin and eyes :(

but it was pretty magical,

2 root canals. 6 scaling and polishing, 8 fillings and 2 pre-implant surgeries later i am pretty excited to find out what the next few days have in store for me.

i think that pretty much covers everything ive been up to in the last while?

though one thing i must say, im stuck in an absolutely annoying position from which i cant escape. im dying to let go and yet im trying so hard to hold on.

its amazing how contradicting i can be.

thinking through pros and cons is hard.

i know what i want but what if it never works out?

what if the one thing i give up everything else for doesnt fit like the one missing piece in an almost perfectly pieced together puzzle?

but ive made a decision, im going to go into 2010 without most of my baggage.

if things fall into place by new years eve then everything will be perfect

but if they dont, well, as hard as it is going to be im going to move on and not look back.

because really, you can only try so much right?

And though the waves might bring you down

and though the currents might pull you under,

the sky is always still right above you.

2009-12-12T02:25:00.001+08:00

because when running away doesnt help.

sulking in a corner doesnt help.

isolation doesnt help.

non-stop reading doesnt help.

hours and hours of watching tv doesnt help.

when nothing helps, what do you do?

nothing.

it gets increasingly harder to run when you're not running toward or away from anything tangible. we create the most awkward situations for ourselves as humans dont we?

playing pretend was nice while it lasted

but theres no putting on a mask you've ripped off is there?

none of it is cryptic or confusing.

when you're dealt a bad hand and you cant fold you keep playing.

thats all there is to it.

the year is ending

so should every crazy stupid insane thing that came with it.

face it, it was never going to work anyway.

what a joke.

can you meet me halfway?

right at the borderline?

2009-12-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

a little piece of my heart,

in exchange for all of yours.

doesnt seem fair does it?

sick of making mistakes you know you'll regret.

sick of holding back.

if this isnt the right time, i dont know when it will be.

take a deep breath and dive right in.

you'll know if it was worth it when its all over.

And I can feel your eyes on these words as I write each one.

And I know you read it.

And it's the tips of your fingers that pushes back on each key.

And your hand on the mouse.

And your back in that chair.

And I just want you to know, that I know.

2009-12-04T02:45:00.000+08:00

ive had so many 'long conversations' with so many different people in the last while i feel like im out of words. i have so much to say yet instead of forming coherent sentences they're all mashed together in a jumble of stupid sounding words that hardly make sense.

for someone who tries hard to pride herself on having no drama i manage to attract quite a far amount of 'tension.'

its nothing serious though, well besides the fact that as i type this, im certain slidey is trying to master the art of hating me.

congratulations on making it about 6 weeks sara.

pathetic but congratulations.

bit by bit you're screwing everything up it seems.

whats next?

if you wanted this so bad, why on earth are you bothered by it.

why the hell do you care.

why.

You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.
You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.

You've made the air flammable.

These walls are just paper.

And blood is gasoline.

You shouldn't have come here, made of fireworks,

if you didn't want me to play with fire.

I need a light.

2009-12-01T23:47:00.002+08:00

prom was great, the after party was magical.

its amazing that we managed to throw the party we did and i reallllly hope everyone had fun!

insane amounts of drama whichever way you turned but it was good drama.

everyone was happy high (sad high for others) there were fights, break ups, make ups,

confessions, tension. everything you could possibly have at a party.

everyone got closer together through the clubbing and drinking and late night hang outs throughout the last two years and the fact that we ended it pretty much the same way brought things to a good close.

thats two years gone. wonder how we'll spend the next two.

aside from all that, ive spent the last couple of days meeting people ive neglected the last 3-4 months, from watching three movies in less than 24 hours to coming home at 6am too many nights in a row and the awesome massive catch up session with a six pack, its been a good couple of days. i hope the rest of the year will be like that.

which reminds me, 2009 is almost over.

im surprised it all turned out the way it did.

im thankful that it turned out wayyy better than i thought it would.

now that everything has been said and done.

we maybe wronged a couple of people,

did things we shouldnt have done.

said things that maybe were best left unsaid,

thought things that were best left un-thought.

where do you go?

what happens when the last place you could run to is no longer there.

we make promises we dont keep.

we say things we dont mean.

we do things we dont want to.

we say we'll never leave

but people ALWAYS leave.

its foolish to trust that they wont.

but just this once i hope and i pray that im wrong.

dont wonder anymore, dont think anymore, dont consider.

this time, just do what you want to do more than anything else.

we're wasting a lot of time. time that we dont have.

I am nervous. I'm afraid.

But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you.

I will play Russian roulette with your playlists.

I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny.

I will hold on until there is no more reason to.

And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun.

2009-11-26T05:10:00.001+08:00

two years of high school ended today.

were you friends with an amazing group of people like i was?

did you have a best friend with whom you could do just about anything?

did you stay up till six am with her laughing over the stupidest of things?

did you have the most awesome 'husband' in the world?

one who understands you so much without you having to say a single word?

did you have a standard study buddy who knew you so well it was scary sometimes?

did you know her from the very first hour you were in the school?

did you have an awesome photographer friend who took the most magical pictures?

do you have the last two years documented because she was awesome and efficient about her photography?

were you friends with the people in your different classes?

did you have nicknames for people?

did people have nicknames for you?

did you constantly find yourself running away from someone who could physically incapacitate you with a simple nudge to your thighs?

did you have a specific 'emo-buddy?'

did you give yourself a chance to get to know everyone?

did you spend the better part of the last year lying to someone's face in an attempt to cover someone else's lies?

did you have a certain place you went to after school just as soon as the last bell of the day rang?

did you let the same person hurt you more than once?

did you hurt the same person more than once?

did you lose touch with the people you were close to?

two years of high school ended today.

did you do just about everything you promised yourself you wouldnt do?

did you club till 6am then attend a 9am chemistry class the next day?

did you run out every 5 minutes during that class because you had to throw up?

did you get involved with someone you promised yourself you wouldnt get involved with?

did you laugh more than once when someone was trying to kiss you?

did you and your friends take turns peeing at random outdoor restaurants/parks/quiet areas?

did you take part in a sports related competition even though you decided you wouldnt go down that path again?

did you and you team win those competitions?

were you part of the most fun sports team ever?

two years of highschool ended today.

were you friends with certain people you will probably never forget?

did you go on trips where you had the scariest experiences?

did you think you were going to get murdered and raped and stalked to death all on the same night?

do you have memories you will never forget?

did you have a standard place you hung out at every single saturday?

did you celebrate two magical birthdays in the school?

did you spend almost all your breaks laughing your head off at one stupidly funny thing or the other?

did you form bonds that will be insanely hard to sever?

did you trust certain people that you shouldnt have?

do you regret any of the things you did?

do you wake up certain mornings feeling so bad about the person you've become?

do you wonder how you would have turned out if you had spent the last two years somewhere else?

two years of high school ended today.

if you could, would you change anything?

did you leave a permanent mark in the biology lab in the form of a giant nail polish spill?

one that there was no way of removing regardless of the amount of thinner or nail polish remover used?

did you skip a certain class so many times you lost count?

were you part of the best kept secret in school?

did you go for almost every single party?

did you spend most saturday nights clubbing with the same group of awesome people?

did you get so lost in the thick of things you forgot who you were?

did you think you really liked someone just to realise it was a passing phase?

did someone tell you they liked you only to realise that that too was just a passing phase?

did you have a special table in the canteen where you always sat at?

these two years were one of the more important years in moulding us into the people we are going to be for the rest of our lives.

are you happy with the person you've become?

did you have so many highs and lows they kind of blended into one?

two years of high school ended today.

two amazing years finally drew to a close.

i think i learned more about myself in this school than i would have, anywhere else.

the last two years i watched myself morph into someone else.

i watched as i slowly let go of the things i let hold me back.

i accepted certain wrongs and i did certain things that i still refuse to believe i did.

given the chance i dont think there is much-if anything at all- that i would change in the past two years.

the good, the bad, it was all pretty magical.

two years of high school ended today.

im glad it did.

yet somehow, i wish it hadnt.

2009-11-21T00:56:00.002+08:00

im lying on my bed in my most comfortable bath robe, listening to insanely good ingrid michaelson songs, sipping hot tea and i have absolutely nothing on my mind.

for the first time in a long while i find myself unnaturally at ease.

there are no deadlines to meet, no exams to study for. nothing.

somehow i imagined the end of IB would have been better received though.

no fanfare no parades no confetti to celebrate the end of something so huge.

well i suppose the world went on while we were busy locked away memorizing page after page, chapter after chapter of our books.

it was a pretty fun day though.

i gave my day a kick start by going to brewerkz to celebrate with the bestest friend in the world.

but mug after mug after mug proved that starting a drinking session at 1 in the afternoon was not entirely the best idea. needless to say though, it was a fantabulous day.

and my night was spent doing the most typical things ever, cards, dinner and ice cream.

you would think its nothing fantastic but id missed it so much.

just the fact that we managed to hang out together at a standard place on a friday night was purely magical.

and it was truly great, gathering around just catching up and talking and playing cards and gossiping and not having a single care in the world.

i must say, i had a great 'last day of exams'

there was no clubbing, no loud music, no stumbling in at 6am but nonetheless it was simply great (:

heres to the next eight months being equally laid back and fun!!

2009-11-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

it seems ive been disconnected from the world for longer than id realised.

tomorrow marks the end of my exams, the end of my academic career for the next eight months at least, the end of school in essence and ultimately the end of taking international/national examinations. guess tomorrow really is a big day.

its the end of so many things.

though i must say it is also the start of many wonderful things.

the start of the rest of my life, the start of long nights of partying, the start of having nothing academic related to worry about-well for a while at least.

i can hardly wait.

french is going to be relatively interesting tomorrow.

as prepared as i am, i also feel like i havent done much.

guess only time will tell just how prepared i really am.

im bursting with excitement over the end of exams

it seems like a delayed reaction because everyone started celebrating a while ago

but i can finally be happy because ill have NOTHING to worry about.

next friday is graduation

and saturday is prom.

after next saturday, who know when im ever going to see the majority of the people i spent the last two years with ever again.

now if only i had a universal remote that controlled everything.

2009-11-15T03:12:00.002+08:00

thank god for wireless internet (:

so this weekend has been absolutely magical-NOT.

spent all of friday afternoon shopping with the rest for prom dresses that we never found.

spent friday evening under the rain at helipad chugging drinks we could have been sipping instead, if not for the damn rain.

off again on again fighting with slides that lasted a good 2-3 hours-boys can be SOO annoying.

then i spent a good 35 minutes waiting for a stupid cab.

of course saturday was even more perfect than friday.

had to cancel the awesome shopping trip with debs thanks to annoying people coming over.

and now im here, stuck in a stupid hospital with nothing to do.

ok well not nothing, theres always facebook and catching up on the millions of movies ive missed over the last two, three months.

the exams arent entirely over but with only french left, i feel like im pretty much done.

now its all about the party planning and the dress shopping and the drinking.

if only bad things would stop happening so i can get on with the good stuff :(

it just feels like an extended friday the thirteenth.

bad luck be gone!

it feels so good to be able to rant again :D :D

2009-10-30T00:15:00.002+08:00

long distance relationships leave you too comfortable.

you get used to a certain way of doing things.

you speak at certain times, you text, you email, you skype, you write letters but thats it.

and when you meet, be it for two weeks, four months or a couple of days on a stopover visit, you make the absolute most of it. the fights are kept to a minimum and somehow you cant seem to get enough of the other person.

every last moment is pure magic and you remember every last detail as if its the only thing that has ever mattered.

its different when you're both on the same freaking island though.

finding time to meet during exams is hard.

entertaining calls is annoying,

the texts goodnight and the calls to say 'good morning' are a little too much to handle.

three fights in three nights.

ignoring people.

arguing.

saying yes to things in the 'moment.' regretting them later.

trying my best to do something that will annoy YOU enough to break up with ME because i cant seem to be able to do it.

its insanely annoying.

this isnt me.

we were better off as friends.

and im certain its not really you, i just miss the one before you.

to be honest, you dont measure up.

you're funny and nice and sweet but you fall short.

there is no way you could ever be like him

and i know its unfair to keep comparing you

but three months isnt remotely enough time to get over a million year long relationship.

then again, maybe we're going through a rough patch?

ARGHHHHHHHHHH exam season is SO NOT THE TIME to be thinking about such stupid things. on a side note, im so sick of studying that im beginning to think dismembering myself is a whole lot more fun.

the IB sucks. big time.

2009-10-25T20:06:00.003+08:00

ive been sitting here at starbucks since 2pm this afternoon.

in the last six hours ive barely moved.

in fact, almost everyday for the past two weeks ive been here.

some days we get started at 11 other days much later.

basically we've all spent more time at this starbucks than we have at home.

one more week to the MOST life defining exams ill ever have to sit for.

im petrified and thats putting it mildly.

in fact, there isnt a word to describe the type of fear im feeling.

i can hardly wait for it all to be over though.

life is going to be magically lazy and fun in the months following the IB.

for now though, i ought to get back to my dreaded math :(

when we've come to an outcome thats too horrible to face,

thats when we ask for a second opinion.

sometimes the answer we get just confirms our worst fears

but sometimes it can shed new light on the problem,

make you see it in a whole new way.

after all the opinions have been heard

and every point of view has been considered

you finally find what youre after,

the truth.

but the truth isnt where it ends.

thats just where you begin again.

with a whole new set of questions.

2009-10-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

so you write it and then you rewrite it.

you perfect each sentence as if the tiniest error could result in tragedy.

you take great care in picking the paper you write on.

the pen you use has to be of a certain colour. an exact shade.

when you're done with your seventh draft you decide to rewrite it once more.

just to be sure.

when you're done and you've read it at least fifteen times over,

you finally feel like you're ready.

so you place it in the most perfect envelope you can find.

paste the prettiest stamp on the top corner.

seal the envelope.

walk to the mailbox.

right before you shove it in, you rip up the letter to shreds.

you make sure its cut up so small it can no longer be pieced together.

at the end of the day it wont matter if the letter is read or not.

words that could move mountains will merely float through you.

sentences that took hours to construct will leave you unfazed.

it is indeed better this way.

you, blissfully unaware.

and me, determined to not care.

I write the love letters you never got,

the ones you never sent.

And I'll throw these words out there like confetti.

2009-10-17T02:17:00.002+08:00

the words, they feel foreign.

they roll off my tongue and they barely make sense.

they dont hold any meaning.

just two meaningless words that seem to have a more significant meaning when put together.

im not sure why im so detached from the situation but i am.

i cant help it.

exclusivity is a big word isnt it?

i think the only reason i feel this way is because im scared.

this phobia isnt something i created for myself though,

i think you left shoes that are far too big to fill.

im not sure anyone can come close.

how can anyone ever understand me as well?

how can anyone know me so through and through?

how can anyone know exactly what i want without me even uttering a word?

how can anyone be you?

its been long enough and im a fool for being stuck in this position.

i deserve to move on and i have.

yet somewhere deep inside i dont think im ready.

maybe i want to spend the rest of the next year curled up in bed crying

but life is pulling me in another direction.

decisions were made for me that i cannot undo.

im not ready for this and i dont think ill ever be.

im not being melodramatic

its just that this jumble of feelings is getting really old really fast.

i hate you for making me feel like this.

then again hate isnt the opposite of love, indifference is.

a little taste of indifference towards you would be like a drop of heaven right now.

Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink

high school ended today.

im not ready to move on.

2009-10-13T05:08:00.000+08:00

no one told me when my grandfather died.

for two weeks everyone lied to my face in an attempt to 'protect' me.

for two weeks every time i asked how he was doing all anyone would tell me was that i shouldnt worry and that his bypass surgery had gone perfectly according to plan.

sure if the plan was to kill him.

tonight i saw a picture of him.

a picture ive kept hidden in between yellowing pages from a dairy i wrote in when i was fourteen.

suddenly everything came back to me.

i felt a surge of extremely weird emotions rush through me.

emotions i had no idea i was suppressing.

i miss him.

even today as i sit here writing this post, almost eight years after he died, i still miss him.

i never got to spend as much time as i wanted to with him but nonetheless he was my most favourite grandparent. he would do the most insanely funny things.

as a kid my most favourite thing to do was to go to his supermarket.

while everyone else had to get in queue to pay for their purchases, i would stroll up and down and pick up whatever i so pleased and no one could say anything because my grandfather owned the place (:

as a seven year old, he would take me on these massive long walks where we would continue for over two hours each time and despite my whines and complaints he would continue walking, distracting me with the magical scenery and interesting stories instead.

we took long walks every time we were together until of course his illness made it a chore to have any form of 'strenuous' activity. after that, all he did was make me 'watches' and do funny things with his dentures.

he had the most distinct laugh.

every time he smiled, he smiled with his eyes.

as with every thing else that is short lived, our days together were never that long and every time we were leaving to come back to singapore, he would always be one of the first few people to tear up at the airport.

i miss him incredibly.

his warm hugs, his crazy jokes.

everything.

tonight i miss him more than i have in a long long while.

so love, i hope you feel better.

i too know what its like to lose an awesome grandfather.

im familiar with the pain and the anger and denial.

i know all this is happening at a very bad time but try to cope?

try to take things a day at a time.

give yourself some time to grieve then try to be okay?

take care of yourself.

stay strong :D

love you.

2009-10-11T21:54:00.001+08:00

they say we always have a choice.

we are made to believe that everything that happens is a result of our choices.

every wrong, every right,

its a direct consequence of a decision we make for ourselves.

but is that really true?

do we really control everything?

id much rather think you didnt have a choice.

because its in thinking that way that i can sleep a little easier at night.

its by making myself believe that the things you said or did were not with the sole intention to hurt me that i can still look you in the eye.

its thinking that you were just as much a victim in this as i am that makes it that much easier for me to hold a proper conversation with you.

its in thinking that you're not truly a huge jerk, that we can still be friends.

but as much as i want to give you the benefit of the doubt,

as much as i try to convince myself that this is how things were meant to play out

i know its not true.

so screw you.

close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord
are we human or are we dancers
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and Im on my knees looking for the answer

2009-10-10T03:33:00.002+08:00

i entertained the most interesting 'prank call' tonight.

something about

'you know theres a tsunami in indonesia right? please buy a box of biscuits to help the people. there is a tsunami so there is a lot of water and the people need to eat something with the water so if you buy the biscuits they can dip it into the water.'

all this at 1am!!

well at least it made me laugh.

and the guy ended with something like

'fine i will never give up. never'

it was quite entertaining really.

now if only i knew who it was

because im pretty certain no actual company would make people buy biscuits at 1am!!

well at least it made me laugh for a bit (:

2009-10-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

How can someone feel like we did out there
Have you lost the dream that was in our hands
Is it ok now

Find me
Inside every heartbeat
Inside every worry
Keep me in your heart again

You ran away
And I would not stay
Is it your time
Or is it mine
Is it your time

Find me
Inside every heartbeat
Inside every worry
Keep me in your heart again

even if the world falls apart.

even if we have nothing left.

even if life as we know it ends.

even if you move on with your life and forget.

even if i never look back.

even if we're oceans apart.

even if you have a girlfriend.

even if you dont.

dont forget these moments.

dont forget the things that make you, you.

dont forget the little things i love about you.

just dont.

dont forget.

2009-10-07T00:02:00.001+08:00

snooze at least five times. get up late. shower. change. cab to school. leave early. study till late. cab home. shower. change. aimlessly flip through notes. get online. facebook. msn. dinner. freak out that its so late and im still awake. get off the com. shower. sleep.

REPEAT!

im so sick of the cycle. its exactly the same, every day :(

school is ending soon.

last 7 days.

never again will things be the same.

im going to miss school so much.

i should just go flip through my notes again.

happy birthday bethyyy :D

love you pwincess!

2009-10-06T02:36:00.000+08:00

i am so angry right now its unbelievable.

its taking every last ounce of energy and self restraint i have to stop myself from yelling my lungs out at you.

whether subconsciously or maybe in fact consciously you've messed with me.

in the last few months you've been the biggest ass imaginable and ive been nothing but tolerant and nice about everything. what you really need is to be put in your place.

actually what you need more than anything else is karma to rear its ugly head and give you a little taste of your own medicine.

one day soon everything is going to turn against you and you wont be left with much. i wonder if at least at that point youll remember all the things you've done and maybe youll feel a little remorse? or maybe youll think the whole world is out to get 'poor little you'

argh.

you are repulsive. really you are.

screw this friendship.

the fact that you are so sly about everything scares me to lengths unimaginable.

im not sure what your 'plan' is or how any of this 'entertains' you.

but im done with it.

f*cking done.

jerk.

2009-10-06T02:33:00.005+08:00

tonight's art exhibition was magical to say the least.

seriously some of the pieces were out of this world!!

all the effort and long nights paid off for them im sure (:

their inspiration and the stories behind each piece of work is so fascinating!!

i do wish i was artistically inclined too.

at 12am every night, everything renews itself.

your internet history deletes itself,

your phone's call register resets itself.

with each tick of the clock a little more of your history 'deletes' itself.

at 12am every night,

you get a little closer to your dreams.

you get a little closer to losing it all.

at 12 am every night, youre given the chance to live another day,

to make more mistakes, to right certain wrongs.

at 12 am every night, we lose a little bit more of ourselves as we get older.

There's a corner of your heart just for me.

I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed just for me.

I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

2009-10-04T02:50:00.003+08:00

do you read the words i write and wonder if they're about you?

do you read paragraph after paragraph thinking its about someone else?

i wish i could read your mind just so i could have some of my questions answered.

if only for a mere moment i want to know exactly what you're thinking, exactly as you're thinking it. only for one moment.

the last two days have been pretty relaxing.

after a week of endless studying ive done nothing but 'chill out' this weekend.

from watching an insanely bad horror movie on friday night

to todays mini shopping spree, its been pretty nice.

in the last two days ive bumped into about 4-5 people i havent seen in months.

it saddens me to think i used to be so insanely close to these people a mere few months ago.

school and the IB have really ruined my life it seems :(

more than one time
this color has been mine
to consume the energy
to be a painter
and cover all the blue
i would give up wanting you
but still the morning sun
will leak into my window when i'm done

every rain makes its way into somebody's song
as a way to relieve the pain
this one is calling me out of my shelter
to face the truth

2009-10-01T04:25:00.001+08:00

the first of october is no longer about school holidays or an entire day dedicated to the children in us. on the first of october we're no longer entitled to presents or a school holiday or even an awesome lineup of our favorite cartoons. instead, the 1st of october brings with it so much stress and pain and exhaustion that finding the right words to describe their magnitude is impossible.

the 1st of october this year marks,

6 weeks to prom.

4 weeks to the most life defining exams ever.

2 weeks to the end of the most awesome 2 years.

happy children's day.

“I’m jealous of children. I envy them.”

You said.

I asked you why.

“Because their pockets are empty. They don’t need to carry anything. No cell phones, wallets, car keys, cigarettes, lighters, iPods… you know what I mean? They’re free. As we get older, we give ourselves more and more things to worry about. To lose. Reasons to pat our pockets in a panic in case we’re missing something. A list to run through in our head before we walk out the front door. That’s why I envy children.”

I nodded and finished my drink, wondering if I had my wallet with me.

2009-09-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

You could ink yourself until everyone knows all the things you love. You could wear uniforms that gave you all the authority in the world. Lose weight until there was nothing left. Paint the face. Suck in your gut.

But in the dark, stripped down to your bones, all that remains is you.

asheghi peydast az zariye del.

nist bimari, cho bimariye del.

get it inked, just so you remember it for life.

keep it a secret.

run your fingers along each individual letter.

trace the outline of each word.

let it sink in.

you've made a decision.

now stick to it.

an ugly truth that can never be washed away.

a beautiful reminder, of a hideous lie.